15. Morning Wood Boner
This is the New York Yankees/Duke men’s basketball/Avicii of boners. It’s ubiquitous, ubiquitously despised, and it feels like it’s never going to go away. It’s loud and annoying and impossible to completely ignore. Take comfort in the knowledge that men across millennia and across the world have raged, like you, against the morning wood boner. Though putrid, it is a symbol of our common struggle as humans.
14. The Terminal Boner
The bad news about having a terminal boner is that you are dead. This is a fairly major downside.
The good news is that you cannot be embarrassed by it and you cannot feel it. This makes it inarguably better than the morning wood boner.
13. Airplane Boner
This is a really terrible boner to have, because to engage with such a boner in any way is almost certainly a crime, and yet you are trapped with it, announcing itself bonerishly. It is the Edgar Allan Poe story of boners; the Telltale Boner.
12. Fear Boner
When life gets terribly hard, so do you. The fear boner is rare but those who have experienced its harrowing pulse know that it is all too real. It may be a misguided extrusion of the fight or flight response, or some evolutionary remnant of a time when boners could fight; scientists disagree. Whatever it is, it is best not to tamper.
11. Workout Boner
Vigorous and hale, the workout boner unfortunately lacks a sense of context. He is the funniest person at a funeral, the tallest man on a submarine, the precocious child in an underfunded school. Take note of this boner and its fine qualities, and wish it well on its way, for you waste its time, and it, yours.
10. Masturbation Boner
The liquid diet of boners, functional, sustaining and yet obviously, philosophically, insufficient. Grim and deterministic; to be tolerated.
9. Beach Boner
The beach is a paradox for boners, for though warm temperatures, exposed skin, and chilltastic vibes make the boner feel safe, skimpy bathing costumes offer little in the way of boner concealment. The savvy boner-haver will make wise use of the sand and tan his back. When all else fails, a sprint into the surf may be your best option.
8. Cuddling Boner
I’m no expert in boner psychology, but it seems logical to me that cuddling is deeply confusing to the boner. Cuddling is often done in positions that have analogues in intercourse, with someone who may have acknowledged or even made contact with the boner in question, and involve prolonged shifting and copious friction. While the cuddling boner may be unwanted, like an unplanned child, it must never be blamed. It was you who selfishly brought it into this world, and you who must care for it.
7. Accidental Middle School Boner
Long after the accidental middle school boner has set your preteen “social life” back several intolerable days, it will be a trusted arrow in your quiver of self-deprecating stories. Think of it as a long term investment that is well worth the cost. We live, dear friend, in the age of the memoir!
6. Jogging Boner
The jogging boner is not long for your shorts, and yet no matter how short its stay, it will make you feel, cutting the wind in front of you and pointing your way ahead, like a petit pioneer. Bon voyage!
5. Driving Alone Boner
While driving alone, a boner is an unexpected and delightful traveling companion. Hail fellow! Well met. What is that Liverpool fans say? Never walk alone? This is the boner at his most buddyish and least sexual. Where will you and your boner drive today? My guess? Into some mild hijinks, through some comic misadventures, and finally in the parking lot at a Checkers, knocking back some chocolate shakes and laughing your heads off.
4. False start Boner
You thought you were on your way to a boner, and you had made your peace with it. Then! False start: no boner. This is the boner that keeps you on your toes and reminds you that no matter how well you think you understand your boner, it has its own agenda and can never totally be trusted.
3. Your boner looks really big for some reason today Boner
This one is like finding twenty bucks on the street. Look: You know what’s in your bank account. But isn’t it nice that every once in awhile the universe makes you feel flush?
2. Actual Intercourse Boner
The merits of the actual intercourse boner are as profound as they are obvious and so rather than expounding on its virtues I’d like to spend this caption explaining why I have not chosen this boner for the top spot.
The actual intercourse boner holds an enormous, almost frightening amount of power. Wielded correctly, the actual intercourse boner can improve relationships, boost mental health, and open to you new and exciting worlds of human experience. It can also bring life into the world.
And yet. The vagaries of the actual intercourse boner are legendary and at some point in your life even you may encounter one of them, you virile stallion. Maladies of the actual intercourse boner can destroy relationships, diminish mental health, and even kill. It can also bring life into the world.
So the question is whether a boner with this much capacity for destruction, with its whims and its occasional bad will and its hostility to alcohol, if this boner can be named the best boner of all boners.
I say: no.
1. A sexy thing happened and you can’t do anything about it Boner
We human beings are right now living through a massive technological incursion into our sex lives. I don’t just mean the instant gratification made possible by the proliferation of a bewildering range of digital smut and swipe-to-screw phone applications. I mean that in the extremely near future it will be not only possible to wear a reality-simulating helmet while a robot that has been encoded with the aggregate sexual knowledge of every human culture ever to exist services your every need, it will be as widely accepted as reading an ebook.
And humans are just apes. Apes with delusions of grandeur in Oculus Rifts getting robot fucked at the push of a button. Our children’s children—also apes—won’t even remember a time when they couldn’t get the greatest orgasm of their lives an hour before they realized they wanted it. I would cry but for laughing…
This right here is the vinyl record of boners. It’s a little more work and a little less perfect but maaaan, it’s rich and full of character! Listen to this one. This is the boner that reminds you that you are you, a human, imperfect, unfinished, alive!