14 Principled Anti-War Celebrities We Fear May Have Been Kidnapped

Our government is yet again marching us towards a war of choice in the Middle East and our non-partisan, peace-loving celebrities have gone missing since late 2008. We fear the worst.

1. Sheryl Crow

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

“I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.”

-- Sheryl Crow

2. Bruce Springsteen

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"War. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing."

-- Bruce Springsteen

3. Martin Sheen

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"But I am equally against the death penalty or war -- anywhere people are sacrificed for some end justifying a means."

-- Martin Sheen

4. Ed Asner

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

“I also think that there is a strong streak of racism, and whenever we engage in foreign adventures. Our whole history in regime change has been of people of different color.”

-- Ed Asner

5. Sean Penn

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"I think we're past that point in human evolution where there's such a thing as winning wars."

-- Sean Penn

6. Tim Robbins

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"It is very inspiring and amusing how many people have come out in this genuine and spontaneous way to embrace peace and reject war. It reminds us there is a human and gentle spirit out there in this world."

-- Tim Robbins

7. George Clooney

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

“You can’t beat your enemy anymore through wars; instead you create an entire generation of people revenge-seeking."

-- George Clooney

8. Jackson Browne

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"American people always have to be tricked into going to war, they always have to be cajoled. I mean, there’s a long history of being lied to, of having things described in a particular way, in order to get them out of their sort of isolationist… prosperity mode and go to war."

-- Jackson Brown

9. Janeane Garofalo

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed!"

-- Janeane Garofalo

10. Neil Young

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"I don't like war. I particularly don't like the celebration of war."

-- Neil Young

11. Jessica Lange

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"Let’s talk for a minute about these masters of war, these same men that are sending our sons and our daughters, our brothers and sisters, our mothers and fathers to fight an undeclared and unconstitutional and unwinnable war for them."

-- Jessica Lange

12. Barbra Streisand

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"You know, really good artists have a way of being relevant in their time -- but great artists are relevant at any time. So, in the words of William Shakespeare, 'Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor."

-- Barbra Streisand

13. Danny Glover

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"The world has come together and said 'no' to this war – and we must stand with them."

-- Danny Glover

14. Susan Sarandon

LAST KNOWN PRE-2009 COMMUNICATION:

"Let us resist this war. Let us hate war in all its forms, whether the weapon used is a missile or an airplane."

-- Susan Sarandon

The only explanation for their continued silence must be a large, organized kidnapping. To whoever is responsible for their disappearance, please post pictures of them holding a recent newspaper so we know they're okay. Maybe one of these:

Update:

After this article was posted, Ed Asner was apparently released and spoke with the Hollywood Reporter. In it, he says celebrities are scared of being labeled "anti-black" by opposing the war. He must have still been a little disoriented from his incarceration and meant "scared of being kidnapped".

Danny Glover, as well, was able to heroically escape his captors long enough to fill out an online petition urging Congress to oppose the war. Unfortunately, we believe he was re-kidnapped before he could make any forceful appeals to the president.

Other celebrities are still "unavailable for comment", which we believe is lawyer-speak for "held somewhere against their will".

Yours in continued peace,

America