1. Committing identity fraud against chocolate chips.
You think this is chocolate chip? You’ve never been more tragically wrong in your life.
2. Trespassing in cinnamon bread.
This is private, delicious bread property. Get out.
3. Harassing peanut butter and celery.
Is this some kind of sick joke? You leave them alone!
4. Public ice cream intoxication.
Raisins, are you drunk right now? On rum?
5. Being a dried up version of another thing — without a license.
You know who has a license? Beef jerky.
6. Swimming in a prohibited rice pudding zone.
Nobody wants you here.
7. Mob activity in trail mix.
No self-respecting trail mix would associate with raisins unless it was being threatened.
8. Stalking bran flakes.
Can you imagine trying to live your life as a bran flake? Knowing anytime you turn the corner, there is a raisin, watching, waiting.
9. Murdering a perfectly good cinnamon roll.
In cold blood.
10. Aiding and abetting boiled raisin cake.
This should not be a thing.
11. Misappropriating valuable chocolate.
There are 5 million-plus better uses for this chocolate.
12. Illegally immigrating to chicken salad.
No one gave you a visa for this.
13. Illegal dumping in bread pudding.
You just can’t leave the puddings alone, can you?
14. False advertising.
There’s no pretty lady in this box. Only disgusting raisins.
15. Kidnapping these mini muffins.
They’re just tiny, innocent muffins! Let them go!
16. Holding this bagel hostage.
I hope the cream cheese comes with a SWAT team.
17. Disorderly conduct.
You’ll never be Marvin Gaye, you smug singing, dancing raisins.
18. Serving as a disturbing reminder of our own mortality.
Not technically a crime, but it should be. We all shall age and wither. Don’t rub it in our face, raisin.