1. LashBlast Fusion
Fortunately, no one was injured in the lash blast. And the cool thing about this mascara is that the fusion gives you longer lashes via thermonuclear reaction.
2. Million Lashes - “Millionize Your Lashes”
First of all, a million lashes is A LOT. I know we all want long, baby deer eyelashes, but, in theory, you still want to be able to see. Also, what happens exactly when you “millionize” your lashes? I’m starting to suspect that’s not a word.
3. Baby Skin
Oh, I ran out of Baby Skin. Gotta pick up some more Baby Skin from the drug store. BABY SKIN. I’m not convinced I want to look like a baby?
4. Chubby Stick Baby Tint
I’m just gonna come right out and say that “chubby stick” is not an OK name for any product of any kind. But then WHAT is a baby tint? What could that possibly mean? Do you use it to tint a baby? Do you tint yourself the color of a baby? What color is a baby?
5. Doll Lashes
Doll lashes? Isn’t that kind of creepy?
Because these are doll lashes…
6. Liquid Halo
How many angels were melted to create this product?
7. Tone Rehab
This is an intervention. Your tone needs to go to rehab.
8. Magic Nude
I know what magic is. I know what nude is. But seriously, what’s a magic nude? It sounds like the title of a self healing book you could get at that store in the mall that sells incense and power crystals.
9. Volum’Express Mega Plush
Chugga-chugga chugga-chugga choo choo! ALL ABOARD the Volum’Express! No local stops on the journey to mega volume!
It seems like the term “mega plush” could only be used to describe those giant stuffed animals you win at a carnival.
10. Lash Power
The future of decreasing carbon emissions is a car that runs on lash power.
11. Infallible Never Fail Eyeliner
This is the eyeliner you want with you when you jump out of a plane.
12. Voluminous Butterfly????
13. Air Whipped Cloud Texture
This is gibberish.
This sounds like a bad thing. I went to the hospital with an acute case of hyperlash.
15. Outrageous Volume - Dramatic Volume
This mascara claims to have both outrageous AND dramatic volume. Honestly, these sound like some lashes that would be starting shit all the time, causing problems in both your personal and professional life. Soon enough, no one wants to talk to you because your lashes are just too outrageous and no one can handle it. Nobody likes drama.
16. Baby Doll Attitude - “Eyes Wide Open Look”
So, just to recap, this mascara will give you not only a “baby doll attitude” but an “eyes wide open look”? I’m on board with looking like my eyes are open, but…