Help Me Get a Job and I Will Pay You $400

I have been looking for a job since November, and I have been stunned at how little luck I have been having. I am a recent college grad with tons of experience in the areas of television and film production, marketing, and communications...much more than the average college student. My resume is phenomenal for a recent grad, so I know that is not the problem. It is simply an issue of having to compete with thousands of others for every position I apply to. Who knows if my resume and cover letters are even being read? ... So, if you feel you may be able to help (perhaps there is an open position in the office where you work? Or you have a friend in the biz you can talk to?) please drop me a line. I will respond with my resume, and after taking a look at it you still want to help we can enter into the agreement. If you successfully arrange an interview, I am picked for the position, and I accept the job I will pay you 400 dollars out of my first paycheck from the job.