1. It always comes when you least expect it.
“Every 28 days,” my ass. But actually, my ass was gonna be in white pants today.
2. And then of course it’s late.
Don’t make my tracker app into a liar!
3. Another day, another roll of toilet paper used up.
For hiding tampons, wrapping in your underwear, feeling non-swamp monster again…
4. Your tampon stash always runs out the second to last day of your period and you have to buy another jumbo box.
JUST STAY WITH ME THROUGH THESE NEXT 48 HOURS!
5. Then you have to ask your boyfriend to buy tampons for you.
Obviously he’s thrilled. This is what all guys dream of.
6. Maybe it takes a little convincing.
You have your methods.
7. What’s that? He doesn’t want to? Or you’re perma-single?
Let me just crush this — time to sprint in and out of the “Feminine Hygiene” aisle. It’s like I was never there.
8. Thennnnn there’s a male cashier.
This is going to be a comfortable experience for both of us.
9. People think it’s a legit question to ask if you’re “surfing that crimson wave.”
“Nope, I’m just this charming naturally, with any level of hormones coursing through my body. Thanks for noticing!”
10. At least you have your true love.
We’re gonna get through this, food. You and I.
11. Thaaat’s it.
Come here, chocolate-dipped cheese puffs. You complete me.
12. You also feel a lot of feelings.
People want to hear about these, right?
13. That sudden realization you might be ruining your pants right this moment.
Nature’s way of telling you it’s time to retire those jeans?
14. You get to spend some quality time with your undies and the sink.
Hello again, old friend. Same time next month? I’ll bring the hydrogen peroxide.
15. You’ve ruined all your underwear except that weirdly stain-resistant pair of Dear Kates.
So, mind if I cancel that date, sink? These babies rinse right out.