Online Dating As A Young Twenty Something - Could This Be More Awkward?

My experience with online dating and how I came out of it more confident than ever.

Becoming an adult is awkward anyway so lets throw online dating into the mix

Online dating is awkward. That's the best word that I have found to describe it. It's awkward for so many reasons I could not possibly name them all but I will go through a couple.

It's awkward because people feel awkward when you tell them that you have a profile on a dating website that isn't Tinder, they don't know what to say, especially because I was only 21. They wonder what's wrong with me, why do I need to be on a dating website? Do they offer to set you up with someone? They want to ask why but they don't want you to have to tell them that it's because people of the opposite (or not opposite) sex just don't like you (even if that may not be the reason). They don't know whether to apologize, congratulate you, or just not comment.

It's awkward because you are talking to people from all over the country, or maybe the world, who you have not physically met. Not only is it awkward because you have not met them in person, it's awkward because obviously you are on the said dating website to do just that, date; and you are talking to that person because there is some sort of attraction there, right? So you may think "Why is that awkward? You're attracted to each other." Well yes. Being attracted to each other is not awkward. What is awkward is trying to determine the level of attraction that the other person has for you while also trying to determine the level of attraction you have for them and then you have to determine if those levels match up and more often than not neither person wants to be the one to bring that up.

So now that I have explained how awkward online dating is as a whole I will bring you up to speed with my experience online dating (and dating in general) up to this point.

I was homeschooled up through eighth grade, so my interaction with boys was slightly more limited than those who grew up going to public school. Now I wasn't one of those awkward homeschooled kids who didn't have any social skills, so don't put that on me. My selection of boys was just limited to probably about 5-10 around my age.

I began public school in ninth grade. It was normal to always be "talking" to someone so I was, usually, but they were typically boys that were a friend of a friend who I had not personally met but I could text constantly for about two weeks until we got bored and I moved on to the next boy that I pretended to like. So obviously I am not new to the concept of talking to boys that I have not met in person.

About halfway through my junior year I got my first real boyfriend. I will not go into the details but long story short he was my first love and I was hung up on him for about three years.

I got into a semi-serious relationship around 17-18 but that eventually ended after about a year of being together off and on and six months of "officially" dating.

After we ended things I spent a while being single. No dates, not even interested in anyone. I suppose this worried my parents because in January 2014 a Christian Mingle commercial came on TV. "You need that!" my parents said. Fantastic. My parents think I need to start online dating and I'm only 20. Well, I let them make me an account. The whole family was involved. If that isn't awkward and uncomfortable I don't know what is.

So I had a free account that essentially let me look at profiles but not do anything. I started to get emails that I couldn't open, and since my parents were already involved and asking constantly if I had met anyone, they decided to pay for a six month subscription.

I started talking to one guy. After about two days of messaging he asked for my number. We texted for all of a few hours and then he asked me out to dinner. I had only been talking to him for a couple of days but I thought I would give it a go. We decided to meet at a restaurant because I didn't want a stranger showing up at my house.

I got to there and walked up to say hello. Long story short, this was my first time going out with someone that I had not known for years before the date. I was bored. So, so bored. I didn't know how to leave and I was stuck there for three hours. Eventually I got away but not before he attempted to shove his tongue down my throat. Not one of my favorite nights. I went home and cried (I know, i'm so mature) and said it was the worst date of my life.

I had my subscription set already for the next six months so I spent most of that time talking to people for no more than three days max. I think that date scared me off a little (understandably so I would say).

So June came around and I thought my subscription would end, but it automatically renewed. I wasn't happy. I may have talked to all of two people over the next six months. In December I logged on to make sure my subscription was set to cancel. I went through the process and thought my time on Christian Mingle was over, until my dad came to my room and asked why he had gotten billed for my account.

I emailed billing, I looked for email confirmation, I did everything I could to get the money back. It didn't work. So I was stuck with my account for six more months.

I confirmed that my account would expire in six months and decided that since I had the account I would use it.

I sent messages to the people that seemed somewhat interesting and then moved on. Some people responded and some didn't, but I wasn't too concerned about any of it.

I messaged one guy, I'll call him T, with a generic hello. We started messaging and he was actually really cool. I wasn't too concerned about it at first, plus he lived about seven hours away, but then we were constantly playing email tag so I gave him my number and told him that if he wanted, we could just text instead. So when I gave him my number we had been talking for about a week and a half. Exchanging numbers obviously increased our communication.

We texted pretty consistently. He sent me good morning texts and we talked until I fell asleep at night. He traveled for work and he was supposed to be coming to my area soon so we planned on meeting then.

Here is where things got awkward. I liked him, as much as you can like a person that you are just getting to know. I enjoyed talking to him, seeing his name on my phone made me smile (gross, I know), and I was wondering how he felt about me. This was the awkward stage where I knew we were attracted to each other, but what was his level of attraction for me? Did he see this going anywhere? Did he like talking to me as much as I liked talking to him? Did this have potential? I had all these questions and no answers.

I have this thing that when things start going really well I start looking for the thing that is going to ruin it. I'm sure there's some deep underlying meaning for this but I prefer not to look into it too much. The point is I look for the fatal flaw in things when they start going well.

Things with T were actually going really well and I saw a crazy amount of potential; so obviously because things were going well I was convinced they were going to go wrong very soon.

He was pretty busy for a few days so we didn't talk as much and I knew that was why but I started to overthink all of it because that's what I do. "He doesn't like me", "He's going to stop talking to me" so many nagging things in the back of my mind that rationally I knew (or thought I knew) weren't true but there was that huge part of me that wouldn't go with the flow and expected the worst.

Flash forward six months to August 2015 and here I am. 22-years-old, single and with no online dating profiles.

Turns out I was right about T pulling away. But our story didn't exactly end there.

I was supposed to meet T the day before Valentine's day but about a week before he fell off the face of the earth. Three days before we were supposed to meet I told him I wasn't coming. We ended things in a pretty civil way, he said he was figuring out his life, I said I enjoyed talking to him but it just wasn't the right time and we ended it there, for a month.

In March I reached out to T again and we've now been in semi-constant communication for the past five months.

Things are different from the first time around, we have not defined any sort of romantic feelings or relationship, we have not met in person and do not have a plan to do so in the near future, and our conversations are pretty surface level. I would say we are friends. I do still enjoy talking to him but I view it as a friendship and not a potential relationship. I would not say that a relationship is completely off the table but it is not my focus at this time in my life.

Now that my year and a half of dating online is over I believe I have learned a few things and have come out a more independent and confident person.

I have learned that romantic relationships do not define you and it is not necessary to be in one.

I have learned that online dating does not necessarily mean that you'll meet the love of your life like all the commercials say.

I have learned that sometimes you come out of your relationship with online dating without a significant other, but with a friend; and that can be just as satisfying.

I learned to put myself out there and not be afraid of rejection.

Overall I would not say I wasted my time, I learned a lot about myself, what I do want in a guy and what I don't; and the most important thing I learned is that I'm young and don't need to be in any rush.

Someday I'm sure I'll meet someone and I'll have my fairy tale but for now I'm happy being a single, confident, independent 22-year-old woman trying to find my place in the world on my own.