Which Disney Princess Would You Be In The Appocalypse
Let's face it, America and the western world is sinking fast with several nations vying to annihilate us. We're broke, we're narcissistic, and we're incredibly lazy. After the inevitable first wave of mushroom clouds fade, where will you be?!
Which Disney Princess Would You Be in The Apocalypse?
Rules: For each response give yourself 3 points for each A, 2 points for each B, and 1 point for each C.
Q1. How many languages do you speak?
A.Three or more, bitches!
B.Two fluently because I came from a bilingual household
C.Uh, one. English is the only language that matters.
Q2. What’s in your cupboards and refrigerator right now?
A. A variety of fresh veggies, whole grains and meats that I keep pretty stocked.
B. Lots of quick packaged stuff: pasta, instant oatmeal, pop tarts, eggs, frozen veggies.
C. Groceries are for soccer moms and retirees. Take out and drive thrus are my MO, bro.
Q3. How fit are you?
A. Very. I get a good mix of cardio, core, strength training, and stretching in almost every day
B. somewhat: I go to the gym or run when I feel like it.
C. Fit enough to raise a beer to my mouth, and repeat.
Q4. How dependent upon technology are you?
A.I mean, I use email and google , but I prefer to live my life in the real world.
B.More than I should be. I just get lazy sometimes.
C.I use it to do everything! Get food, get directions, shop, bank, hook up, and communicate with literally everyone. It’s so easy and cool!
Q5. Do you have a practical, marketable skill?
A.Yes I trained at it for a long time and I’m pretty much a master at what I do.
B.I’m kind of okay at a few things…
C.Listen, I’ve beaten a LOT of video games and watched almost everything on Netflix.
Q6. If your life depended upon you going to home depot, buying all the materiels, and building a table by yourself in 24 hours, could you?
A.Easy
B.I could do it… but I may need more time.
C.Home what?
Q7. How close are you with your family?
A.I’m pretty much on my own.
B.Kind of. We speak infrequently and mostly just visit around holidays.
C.No matter the size, my family is my life.
Q8. Vacation time! Where do you go?
A. Somewhere hot and sunny that I can just explore on my own. I'm never really worried about sunburns.
B. Some all-inclusive resort. I want poolside luxury and the chance to check out the local scene if I feel like it.
C. One word: cruise! Five more words: all you can eat buffet!
Q9. Have you shot a gun before?
A.Yes, I’m familiar.
B.No, but it can’t be that hard. Point it and pull it, right?
C.No. I wouldn’t even want to touch one.
Q10. Could you sacrifice a stranger if it meant you would live to see another day?
A.Yes
B.Oh god, I really don’t know if I could.
C.Never.
RESULTS
10 – 16 points:
You either got Cinderalla, Sleeping beauty, or Snow White and would be dead immediately. At most you’d be enslaved as a sex puppet until you begged for someone to end your life. Quit complaining that the barista got your drink wrong and go read some global news, learn a practical skill and another language.
17-20 points: Belle
Okay, maybe you’ve been through some shit in your day. Mentally you are strong enough to survive, but this ain’t no castle, honey. This is post annihilation America. Your new warlord dictators aren’t princes trapped in a bitter Beast’s body by a witch’s curse, and you won’t woo their true, softer side out of them with charm and true love. Because of your good nature you’ll still try, and you’ll be thrown in a real prison where you will starve until you are lead out for your last glimpse of daylight as you are stoned to death but with books.
21–25 points: Ariel
You treacherous little serpent. You would abandon your family and sell your soul to the enemy for a little freedom. Who needs ‘em? Flippin’ your fins you don’t get too far after all, suckas. You’ll lead a very lonely life as a mute, powerless trophy for your captors until some new young thing takes your place and you’re thrown into the ocean where you ironically drown to death.
26 – 29 Points: Pocahontas
Congratulations, you aren’t a brain-dead technology-dependent nincompoop! You can make yourself invisible and survive in the wilderness on berries or whatever until you end up eating your raccoon friend. You’re also dark-featured enough to kind of pass for any ethnicity, so in a pinch you can pull out a few phrases of Arabic , Chinese, or hell even Chechnian before you create a distraction and vanish again. You’ll survive just long enough for a handsome soldier to whisk you away to his homeland where you will die of a biological pathogen that as a foreigner you are not immune to.
30 Points: Mulan
Mulan would literally be the only one to survive the total destruction of life as we know it. When the going gets tough, Mulan gets going. She has practical hand to hand and weapons combat training, knows how to farm, and she’s Chinese so she wouldn’t even be in danger. Jasmine wasn’t even an option here because obviously she’d be fine in this situation too.
Jessica Rose Felix is a writer and comedian in Los Angeles. @JessicaroseFX
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