2. You are not able to afford your own Upper East Side apartment with the income from one newspaper column.
3. You would have just gone to the damn country house and not made such a BFD about it.
4. If you got mugged, you wouldn’t be most concerned about your sandals, because omg.
5. Nope, how about IN YOUR SAVINGS ACCOUNT or IN A F*CKING 401(k).
6. You know how a computer works because this isn’t 1956.
7. You are aware of what’s better than a magazine: ACTUAL EFFING FOOD.
8. You’re not this annoying, ugggggh.
9. You have never said this, because gross.
10. Or this.
11. Or THIS.
12. You are not the most DRAMATIC PERSON IN THE WORLD.
13. You would never bring your friend to stalk a guy who’s going to church with HIS MOM.
14. You wouldn’t spend $40,000 on shoes because you have basic common sense.
15. You would never type the WORLD’S MOST ANNOYING SENTENCES.
16. YOU would be totally squeeing if you got to hang out with this dog.
17. You wouldn’t have to have your friends vote before you just took some stuff to Goodwill, OH MY GOD.
18. You know this isn’t true because wtf, that doesn’t even make sense.
19. You have not worn a dress made of a whole octopus family just to go to dinner.
20. You would not say this because you are not a 12-year-old girl on Tumblr.
21. You wouldn’t throw McDonald’s at a wall because your boyfriend was concerned about you giving up your life just to move to Paris with him.
22. You wouldn’t stalk your ex-boyfriend’s ex-wife, because you are a normal person.
23. You wouldn’t threaten to leave someone because they wouldn’t tell you you were “the one” on the sidewalk when you demanded it.
24. YOU wouldn’t cheat on this gorgeous specimen of manhood.
25. You don’t joke around at the drive-thru, because food is SERIOUS BUSINESS.
26. You’re like, “Yeah…so?”
27. You’re like, “No, wtf, what does this mean, seriously.”
In The News Today