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21 Ways To Suck At Riding The Subway

WARNING: Only attempt these if you are a moderate-to-severe D-bag.

1. Clip your fingernails.

How to not suck: Ride subway; arrive home and clip fingernails.

2. Lean on the pole instead of holding it.

How to not suck: Hold subway pole with hand; ride subway.

3. Shove your way onto the train without letting people off first.

How to not suck: Let departing passengers exit first; ride subway.

4. Eat stinky food on a crowded rush hour train.

How to not suck: 1. Eat food 2. Ride subway. Or, 1. Ride subway 2. Eat food.

5. Fall asleep on your neighbor.

How to not suck: Ride subway without falling asleep on your neighbor.

6. Hold the doors.

How to not suck: Do not hold doors; ride subway.

7. When seated, attempt to get up before your stop, forcing everyone near you to let go of their poles.

How to not suck: Ride subway; get up after the train has stopped.

8. Chop onions.

How to not suck: Ride subway; chop onions at home.

9. Talk loudly on your phone when the train is above ground.

How to not suck: Ride subway; do not talk on phone loudly or at all.

10. Put your dripping wet umbrella on an empty seat.

How to not suck: Put wet umbrella on floor; ride subway.

11. Decline to let visibly pregnant women sit.

How to not suck: Ride subway; give up seat for elderly or visibly pregnant person.

12. Squeeze into a packed car that clearly cannot hold any more passengers.

How to not suck: Choose different car or wait for next train; ride subway.

13. Sit like this.

How to not suck: Ride subway; take up only enough space for one person.

14. Be a dead shark.

How to not suck: Do not ride the subway if you are a dead shark.

15. Wear a backpack on a crowded car.

How to not suck: Take off backpack and place between feet or near you on the floor; ride subway.

16. Play a loud game without headphones, so everyone can listen to the noises.

How to not suck: Ride subway; plug in headphones so only you can listen to it.

17. Rock out with your belly out.

How to not suck: Stow body parts away safely; ride subway.

18. Let your hair touch other passengers, which is actually the worst.

How to not suck: Be aware of your hair; ride subway.

19. Stand in front of the doors and refuse to move when the door opens.

How to not suck: Ride subway; move out of the way when the doors open.

20. Put your feet up on a seat.

How to not suck: Ride subway; place feet on ground.

21. Break-dance.

How to not suck: Ride subway; do not break-dance.

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