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16 Sex Positions From Cosmo That Would Never Work

It’s cool. Broken bones are a huge turn on. NSFWish. All positions are from the book, The Cosmo Kama Sutra.

1. Passion Propeller

What Cosmo says: “Once you make the 360-degree jaw-dropping journey, you and your man will feel like sexual dynamos and may even keep on spinning for rounds two, three, and four!”
What would happen: After unimaginable pain and discomfort, both of you will agree to never try anything outside of missionary ever again.

2. V For Vixen

What Cosmo says: “Most men are so inflexible, they think a knee bend is an Olympic feat, so he’ll worship you as a sex goddess.”
What would happen: You’ll discover most women are as inflexible as men.

3. Submarine

What Cosmo says: “The feeling of weightlessness combined with the sensual deprivation of not being able to hear since your ears are submerged will allow you to surrender to the bliss of your partner’s member throbbing inside you.”
What would happen: Having your head partially submerged, with the water filling your ears and blocking your hearing, is all part of the charm of this position. Along with, you know, one strong thrust away from accidental drowning.

4. Torrid Tug of War

What Cosmo says: “Lower yourself onto his penis and wrap your legs around his back. As you’re sitting face-to-face, grab each other’s elbows and lean back against the other person’s weight — like a coy tug-of-war game.”
What would happen: You’ll soon discover you’re both holding in gas. A lot of gas.

5. Vibrating V

What Cosmo says: “Straddle him, face-to-face, in a chair. Grasp the back of his neck or shoulders for balance, then lift your legs so your calves are on his shoulders, and ride him. Since his hands will be free and your clitoris will be front and center, have him use a vibrator on it for a killer simultaneous orgasm.”
What would happen: The fear of falling backwards off a chair will all but consume what could have been a nice, quiet night.

6. Sexy Scissors

What Cosmo says: “No other love lock will offer you such a body-rockin’ range of sensations. One second your limbs are in an erotic X and you’re supertight for a snug fit — then suddenly you’re wide open and able to take him in deliciously deep.”
What would happen: Surprisingly, the realization that being treated like a household tool is both not sexy and takes a lot more coordination than anyone expected.

7. Downward-Facing Doggie

What Cosmo says: “Take doggie-style to a new level of XXX by mixing in a little yoga. Have him disengage for a second, then get into a low downward-facing dog position — your butt is high in the air, with your hands and feet the only parts of you touching the bed.”
What would happen: The realization that your years of yoga have contributed nothing to your flexibility will kill the mood for the rest of the night.

8. Rock His Boat

What Cosmo says: “Have your guy sit against the side of a small boat. He should lean back and keep his knees bent and legs apart while resting his arms on the edge of the boat. Straddle his lap and take him inside you.”
What would happen: Seasickness? Drowning? Being listed as a sex offender for having sex on a public lake?

9. Ladder Lovin’

What Cosmo says: “In this half-in, half-out-of-the-water position, only your lower bodies are submerged. So each time your man thrusts, cold water will splash against your exposed skin, electrifying all of your nerve endings.”
What would happen: Some awkward half thrusts and slipping on rungs before deciding having sex in the public pool probably isn’t the best decision anyway.

10. Yes! Yes! Yes!

What Cosmo says: “With your guy’s legs confined between yours, you’ll be treated to lots of quick, in-and-out moves — sending a tsunami of sensation to the nerve-rich first few inches of your pleasure zone. And because of the upside-down pose, the instant blood rush to your head will heighten each thrust…”
What would happen: Awkward sliding, the discovery that blood in your head during sex is the last place you want it, and an eventual collapse onto the floor.

11. The Hot Rod

What Cosmo says: “Rest one foot on the edge of the tub as you reach up and check that the rod is securely fastened to the wall. If so, grip the rod with both hands to steady yourself (not to hang on).”
What would happen: A wet floor, a needed trip to Home Depot, and a future lifelong anxiety around showers.

12. The Erotic Accordion

What Cosmo says: “This position is the ultimate rev-your-engines role reversal: He’s curled up on his back; you’ve mounted him like a Harley. The switcharoo will kick-start your sense of power and allow him to show his more submissive side.”
What would happen: You’ll quickly wear yourself out before entering a shame spiral about how you always skip leg day at the gym.

13. Love Triangle

What Cosmo says: “Lie on your back on the floor or the bed with your left leg sticking straight up in the air. Take your right leg and stretch it out to your right side, so that it rests at a ninety degree angle to your body.”
What would happen: Charley horses. Just, so many different charley horses.

14. The Lusty Leg Lift

What Cosmo says: “There’s a reason guys are drawn to a kick line of cheerleaders: Flexibility is h-o-t. Most men are so stiff, they think a knee bend is an Olympic feat — so pull this one on him and he’ll worship you as a sex goddess who knows how to stretch sexual boundaries.”
What would happen: You’ll be raring to try this, only to become despondent over the fact that your “bliss button” is actually a foot lower than his “rod” while standing.

15. The Head Game

What Cosmo says: “Getting into this position, you may feel like you’re headed nowhere — but it’s totally worth it once you experience the results. The blood rush from your thighs will intensify the sensations in the pelvic region.”
What would happen: A lot of awkward attempts at making a penis bend downwards, a severe neck ache, and the inability to ever be aroused by the idea of getting head again.

16. Twist-a-Girl

What Cosmo says: “If his head is propped up with a pillow, he can watch you as you move up, down, and around his penis — a surefire guy turn-on. Seeing you work your magic on his member will have him hot and heavy and dying to touch you.”
What would happen: You’ll discover, as you attempt to spin around on a rod that only bends one way, things you would never assume can break. Good-bye, libido.

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