1. You tell everyone you know just how bad that cupcake/slice of bread/pasta bowl is for them.
You’ll also tell them an alternate way to make it that’s much healthier — have they ever tried spaghetti squash? It works great and doesn’t have carbs! Did they know you can make a sugar-free, grain-free cupcake in their microwave in less than two minutes that also has tons of fiber? Well, you did!
2. You send them pictures of every single meal you make.
All of them, even if it’s something you’ve made before but have given a minor tweak. The message following the photo — which you’ve already posted to Instagram — will explain the ingredients used in said meal as well as the “thumbs-up” emoticon.
3. You make going out for meals extra difficult to organize because of your dietary restrictions.
“Wanna grab lunch?” turns into “Should we just grab coffee or something later?” — a date to which you will bring your own packets of Stevia (Splenda? Pshaw!) and ask for almond milk because soy milk may cause breast cancer.
4. You can’t hang out with friends at night because you have to be in bed by 9 p.m. so you can get up at 5 a.m. to “beat the heat” and do your cardio.
You also tell them constantly about how often you beat your previous time records in your Nike+ app and send them screenshots of your achievement badges and route map, even though it rarely varies.
5. You spam their Pinterest dashboards with your endless pins of fitness routines you want to try, motivational posters, Paleo recipes, etc.
If they ask you what you’re doing when not working, your answer will generally be, “Oh, just looking through Pinterest for some recipes.”
6. You tell them every day how much better you feel since changing your lifestyle…
…including but not limited to: how much more energy you have, how much better you sleep, how much weight you’re losing, how satisfied you are with your varied diet despite giving up many of your favorite foods, how amazing it is that you haven’t done this sooner, etc.
7. You look up the nutritional value of absolutely everything you eat — and your friends eat — on MyFitnessPal.
It even has a barcode scanner! All meals have to be added before eating commences as well, so you can make sure you’re under your daily allowances.
8. You offer to cook for them but substitute pretty much all the ingredients for “more natural” options.
You can make RICE out of cauliflower! Greek yogurt can be used in place of butter, oil, cream cheese, AND mayo. Wait, they shouldn’t use that bottle of Heinz — you’ve got some vinegar, tomato paste, and allspice just in the cupboard. Isn’t life miraculous?
9. But! FINALLY: You’ve started to feel comfortable in your own skin and are proud of yourself for the first time in your life.
You vowed to do this — to get healthy and treat your body better — for many years and now, you’re putting your money where your mouth is and actually doing it. Way to go, you!
- Two bomb attacks in Nigeria's central city of Jos killed at least 44 people.