1. Matt wears a cravat.
2. George bounces on his feet.
3. George says “Yyeah?” a lot.
4. Gary is there.
5. There’s a bad joke about the heat in the kitchen.
6. There are lots of terrible food puns.
7. The amazingness of past winners is mentioned.
8. The judges talk about how life-changing this is.
9. There’s one contestant that you really want to win.
10. There’s one contestant that you just want to stab.
11. Everybody talks about how much they NEED this.
12. Some guy with a tedious job talks about how this is his last chance to live his dream.
13. All the contestants say being a chef is their dream but apparently not enough to make them do it the normal, non-TV way.
14. Everyone just wants to make their family proud.
15. Someone cries.
16. Someone else cries.
17. Another person cries.
18. There’s another sob story and everyone cries.
19. More terrible food puns.
20. The judges are served terrible food.
21. They eat it all anyway.
22. The judges eat something that is the best thing they’ve ever tasted even though they said the same thing last week.
23. Contestants are asked to cook something ridiculous in a really short time period.
24. Dramatic music is played to signify the intensity of it all.
25. There’s a dramatic pause for an ad break.
26. The payoff isn’t that dramatic.
27. The contestants all have shocked looks on their faces.
28. The judges have smug looks on their faces.
29. There’s more terrible food puns.
30. The contestants talk to the camera about how they’re feeling in that moment even though that moment is long passed for them and they already know the outcome by that stage.
31. Somebody starts crying.
32. Everybody runs around panicking.
33. You’re shocked that nobody has hurt themselves yet, with all the running and panicking and sharp knives and hot ovens.
34. Somebody hurts themselves.
35. Dramatic music plays.
36. Somebody starts crying.
37. There’s a close-up of the clock ticking down.
38. The judges remind the contestants of how little time they have left.
39. More terrible food puns.
40. Contestants freak out and then talk to the camera about how much they freaked out.
41. Somebody talks about how everything is over for them.
42. Everyone’s shit is a mess.
43. There’s food flying everywhere.
44. Someone’s oven wasn’t on.
45. Someone burns something.
46. Another person is crying.
47. Everyone is sweating into the food.
48. People are shoving their hands into everything and you just hope they washed them.
49. People reuse spoons that were in their mouths and they definitely didn’t wash them.
50. There is a shitload of butter/oil/sugar/salt in all the food.
51. The judges walk around asking people how they’re going when they are clearly not going well and interrupting them is not helping.
52. The judges talk quietly amongst themselves about how everyone is going.
53. Everyone talks about how things smell like it’s meant to mean something to you through the television.
54. There’s more dramatic music.
55. More terrible food puns.
56. There’s only five minutes to go.
57. Nobody has anything plated up.
58. They’re all going to fail.
59. Everyone talks about how they’re going to fail.
60. They somehow all finish just as their time is up.
61. Everything is plated up beautifully.
62. Except that one person who really did fail.
63. That person starts crying.
64. The judges look sympathetic while telling them how crap they are.
65. Someone’s food is undercooked.
66. It’s the one thing the judges won’t eat.
67. That person starts crying.
68. Someone’s food is mind-blowing.
69. That person starts crying.
70. The judges have a wankfest over describing the taste, texture and aroma of the food.
71. You realise how gross people look when they eat.
72. There’s more dramatic music.
73. There’s more terrible food puns.
74. Another dramatic pause before the ad break.
75. The contestants have to cook something else.
76. They’re already sweating into the food.
77. Someone is crying.
78. Someone is bleeding.
79. Someone talks about how this cheese toastie is really meaningful because they used to cook it with their grandmother who survived the Titanic.
80. Product placement.
81. Product placement.
82. Dramatic music.
83. Terrible food puns.
84. People crying.
85. People hugging.
86. People have their names called out and they have to step forward like they’re facing the firing squad.
87. The judges act like those people are going home and PLOT TWIST they’re staying.
88. It’s the other losers who thought they were safe that are going home.
89. The losers start crying.
90. Everyone is hugging.
91. The judges look sympathetic while the losers are forced to walk out of the kitchen FOREVER.
92. Terrible food puns.
93. The judges hint at more twists to come.
94. There’s a dramatic pause and an ad break.
95. You wait for more but it’s just a preview for the next show.
96. “Next time on Masterchef…” something dramatic happens with dramatic music playing and the judges and contestants talking about how dramatic it is.
97. You’re really hungry.