1.Wow I'm like one of those joggers people see all the time and envy.
2.Good for me. I'm really doing it. Maybe I can do this every single day. I would be so fit. I would be like when superheroes wear normal clothes in movies and just walk around buying coffee.
3.Oh God everything's broken.
4.Oh God my legs and also my chest and face and hands.
5.Is this a normal amount of pain or a life-threatening amount of pain?
6.If I go to a doctor's office and tell them that everything's broken, will they understand?
7.Now I know how Eminem felt in the beginning of "Lose Yourself."
8.If I fell down right now, would anyone help me?
9.Oh cool my chest lives in my throat now.
10.Are you there, God? Listen, if you let me survive this, I promise I will stop stealing soda at fast food places who leave their fountain dispensers out in the middle of the room like fools.
11.Seriously, it's like they're BEGGING for people to steal soda.
12.Wait, is that sweat pouring down my face, or blood? It feels hot like blood. Is my heart exploding?
13.How have I not even made it past that bench yet? I've been jogging for at least thirty minutes, right?
14.Everything tastes like red hurt.
15.Am I not breathing right? If I breathed better, would this hurt less?
16.Am I SERIOUSLY not past that bench yet?
17.Who the fuck is moving that bench? This is absurd.
18.Unless...I've already done a lap and this is my second time coming up on the bench? Could be. Could be.
19.Hey I'm getting my second wind! I'm amazing!
20.Oh God the pain is worse than anything anyone has ever experienced.
21.I think my eyes are bleeding but I'm afraid to check in case I'm right.
22.Wow a lot of people are passing me. Some of them are walking, even.
23.Bet I still look badass though.
24.My high school gym teacher was wrong about me. I'm not a human beanbag.
25.Beanbags can't feel this much pain.
26.OK maybe if I lie down in the path for a bit I'll get my third wind.
27.Naw, I'm almost at the bench. I'll just wait there for the ambulance.
