1. Merced “Dimple-Face” Cambero
You may recognize Merced as the man who paid for the coffee for the person behind him in line, or as a member of The Avenues street gang in Los Angeles wanted for conspiracy against rights, interference with federally protected activities, aiding and abetting, and use or discharge of a firearm during crime of violence causing death.
2. Francisco “Stay Puft” Martinez
In high school, Francisco was named “most likely to give you a hug,” Unfortunately he was also named “most likely to shoot a man execution style.”
3. David “Hair For Days” Durham
David’s just about the raddest guy you’ll ever meet. He listens to a steady diet of classic rock, he works in a local guitar shop, and he teaches private drum lessons. Oh, and he also is wanted for killing a police officer in 2011. His drum lessons are really cheap though, so that’s a plus.
4. Luis “Gotta Boat” Ferreira
Luis loves his boat. He’s always cruising around the harbor, taking anyone who’s interested along for the ride. He loves cleaning it to a mirror shine. Luis also loves witness tampering, obstructing justice, and fishing.
5. “That Checkout Line Couple” Julieanne and John Dimitrion
Remember that time you were waiting to pay for your groceries and the couple in front of you was making the out the entire time? They kept saying disgustingly loving things to each other: “You’re my pookie face!” “No, you’re my pookie face!” Yeah. That was these two. And after they purchased their groceries they went and defrauded multiple families out of their homes.
6. Eva “Home To Mother” Malczewski
Eva’s the whole package. She’s pretty. She’s smart. She’s funny as heck. She’ll win over your parents with her charm and stories about bank embezzlement!
7. Lawrence “Shy Guy” Fishman
Lawrence has always been a bit of a wallflower. But he’s friendly enough, he’s a great listener. He reads a lot and knows everything about old sci-fi movies. So what if he shot his parents? Who are you to judge?
8. Alvin “The Charmer” Scott
You just don’t get sweeter than Alvin Scott. Al is always dancing with the ladies, cracking jokes, singing old songs. He could charm the skin off a snake but could also murder his estranged wife and her boyfriend.
9. Nazira “Soccer Mom” Cross
Nazira makes the best lemon squares on the block. It’s a secret recipe passed down for generations. Maybe she used those lemon squares to poison her former husband before driving 60 miles to bury his body and make it back before practice was over then take the kids home for some Hamburger Helper.
10. Orlin “D’awww” Quinonez
Orlin’s never been the best at English, but that’s just one of his many endearing qualities. It’s just adorable when he says the door is “looked,” when he means “locked.” He shows everyone pictures of his adorable kids, pointing happily to them and proclaiming “mine!” He also used stolen identities and bribery to steal millions from health care providers, or as he put it “health car providingers.” So cute!
11. Craig “Da-ad!” Oliver
Craig’s an embarrassing father. Oh he tries to stay up to date on the hip lingo, but his kids just don’t appreciate his effort! Nothing he does is right. Especially when he used fraudulent business licenses and had clients make payment for work which he never completed. The guy just can’t catch a break