1.
It's so awkward when you shout out someone else's hand during masturbation
2.
Good term for masturbation I just thought of - Jackin' the peen stalk
3.
[hosting sex act hall of fame induction ceremony] ME: let's all give a hand for masturbation
4.
My caught masturbating face is exactly the same as my caught jamming out to NSYNC face because they're simultaneous.
5.
Masturbating too much leads to two things: loss of memory and something else…
6.
DOCTOR: Bad news. You have a disease and the only cure is frequent, aggressive masturbation from the age of 12. ME: Mom...I'm gonna make it
7.
Who called it "Masturbation tips for women" rather than "Dildos and Dildon'ts".
8.
If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
9.
My portable masturbation machine is a hand held unit
10.
(Interrogation) Confess and you can go "Well I masturbate a lot" Not that confession "Like A LOT" Dude "And I drive a Prius" DUDE "I know"
11.
Whoever's making my voodoo doll masturbate to Man vs Food reruns, please stop. This is scaring me.
12.
Everything I'm touching turns to shit today. Definitely not masturbating tonight.
13.
*climbs to top of remote mountain* Finally *approaches wise man* Is having sex with a sock puppet masturbation or not?
14.
ALARM: time to wake up! BED: no, stay asleep ALARM: wake BED: sleep ME: both of you shut up I'm trying to masturbate
15.
hobbies include: 1. wearing sunglasses while masturbating so as to look especially cool if caught
16.
If these walls could talk I'd almost certainly masturbate less.
17.
euphemism for masturbation: 'at a VERY poorly attended orgy'
18.
Do guys have a go to masturbation sock like I do with shoesHAHAHA I'M KIDDING! I would never! I'm a lady. It's an adorable strappy sandal.
19.
LAWYER: my client's alibi is that he was at home masturbating JUDGE: does he do that often [i nod to my lawyer] LAWYER: very often ur honor
20.
The first rule of masturbation club is to come alone. #NationalMasturbationDay
21.
Doctor, it hurts when I masturbate "Where does it hurt?" *points to heart*
22.
Kegels. Because masturbating during a meeting is frowned upon.
23.
Is "toot my own horn" a euphemism for masturbating yet?
24.
911, what's your emergency "I'm masturbating too much" Sir that's not really a problem "one sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE"
25.
My friends gave me a bunch of sex toys for my birthday as a "joke." I can't stop laughing* *masturbating