1. On the end of the world:
In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day
2. On measuring the length of blood vessels:
Just an FYI: If you removed all veins, arteries, & capillaries from your body and laid them end to end, you will die.
3. On intelligent life:
I'd bet aliens have already visited us, but after careful observation concluded there's no sign of intelligent life on Earth.
4. On alternative medicine:
Q: What do you call Alternative Medicine that survives double-blind laboratory tests? A: Regular Medicine.
5. On professional athletes:
Based on comments from winning players, it's remarkable how much time God spends to help athletes defeat their opponents.
6. On middle fingers:
If we had twelve fingers, there’d be no middle finger to flip at people with whom you’ve run out of words to communicate.
7. On The Los Angeles Angels:
Does it disturb anyone else that "The Los Angeles Angels" baseball team translates directly to "The The Angels Angels"?
8. On "toxins":
The likelihood that a person uses the word "toxin" correlates strongly with how much Chemistry the person does *not* know
9. On Snoop Dogg:
If @RealJeffreyRoss and other comedians honored @SnoopDogg, would that be a “Pot Roast”?
10. On July 4th:
July 4 - Happy Birthday USA. Celebrating the day we declared Independence, and not the day we actually achieved it.
11. On "total eclipses":
Total Eclipses occur every couple of years or so. If anyone calls them "rare", ask if they feel that way about the Olympics.
12. On the state of television:
America 2012: The Learning Channel has HoneyBooBoo, History Channel has PawnStars: and the Science Channel has PumpkinChunkin
13. On the "Super Moon":
Moon Lunacy strikes again: The impending Supermoon is to an average full Moon what a 16" Pizza is to a 15" Pizza. So chillax.
14. On hip-hop:
I’m quite sure that Frogs were into Hip-Hop long before the music industry was.
15. On soccer players:
I wonder what Rugby players think every time they see a Soccer player crying in pain from being grazed by another player.
16. On psychics:
A news headline you hardly ever see: "Psychic Wins the Lottery Again"
17. On Spanish sportscasters:
Good thing Spanish fútbol sportscasters don’t announce basketball, they’d spend 1/3 of playing time saying “Goooooooooooool”
18. On plane cabins:
Flight Attendants say: "Cabin pressurized for your comfort & safety." What they mean is: "otherwise you'd freeze & suffocate"
19. On "Miss Universe":
Astrophysicists are monitors of extreme adjectives. Which is why "Miss Universe" to us is just "Miss Earth".
20. On airport customs:
Had to wait in line to renew a Passport allowing me to visit members of my own species across artificially conceived borders.
21. On Olympic curling:
I occasionally wonder whether people who are good at Olympic Curling are also good at sweeping out the basement.
22. On Red Bull Stratos:
I'm told somebody's jumping out of a perfectly good balloon from 23-miles up. The theory of gravity no longer needs to be tested in this way
23. And on his DJ name:
If I were ever to become a Hip-hop DJ,I think I'd choose the name "MC-squared"
