Sharknado 2: The Second One, which premiered on Syfy on July 30, opens on Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) and April Wexler (Tara Reid), newly re-engaged after having survived a Sharknado in Los Angeles, en route to New York City — where April will be signing copies of her book How to Survive a Sharknado — when their plane flies right into a sharknado.
And the ridiculousness had only just begun.
1. No one believes there’s a shark on the wing of the plane despite the fact that they’re flying in a sharknado!
So everyone feels real dumb when a shark flies into the engine, which then blows a hole in the side of the plane.
2. A shark crashes through the ceiling of the bathroom and decapitates a girl.
Despite the fact there’s no way a shark could have gotten inside the ceiling of the plane (unless I’m just not seeing the tool kit it used to pry its way inside the hull).
3. Fin tries to land the plane despite having never flown a plane before in his life.
Oh, also, the pilots are dead because sharks threaded the needle and busted through two tiny windows and ate them.
4. The safety door opens on its own and sucks everything out, except…
Product placement Coors Light can included. Also included is April, who’s making her way up to Fin, but grabs on to a seat belt in the nick of time!
5. A very necessary gun that manages to evade the giant gaping hole in the plane.
An air marshal comes rushing to April’s aid, but when a single errant drink cart decides to dislodge itself, he’s knocked to the ground, so he slides his gun toward April. Now, unlike everything else in the plane, the gun decides NOT to accept the laws of physics and refuses to fly out the door. Which is good because it gives April time to grab it.
That results in the single best GIF ever (hence why we’re showing it to you twice). And no, she’s not laughing. If Sharknado 2 teaches you anything, it’s that Tara Reid really struggles when it comes time to conveying human emotions.
7. Fin actually lands the plane.
Not-A-Pilot-Fin successfully lands the huge jumbo jet and says, to no one in particular, “Welcome to New York.” Boom. Cut to opening credits. Yes, this thing is just getting started.
Oh, and these are some new people you need to know.
Through a dazzlingly underwhelming bit of verbal exposition, the audience is introduced to Fin’s sister Ellen (Kari Wuhrer), her husband Martin (Mark McGrath), and their two kids who don’t really need names because they do nothing significant for the rest of the film.
8. Andy Dick plays an officer of the law.
Fin — a survivor of the Los Angeles Sharknado — is interviewed on the news about the downed flight. He tells everyone that another sharknado is coming, but no one believes him. Especially not this police officer, played by Andy Dick. In a film about sharks being sucked into swirling funnels of mother nature, seeing Andy Dick as a cop is still the least believable thing imaginable.
9. Billy Ray Cyrus plays a doctor.
Oh, wait. I was wrong. Billy Ray Cyrus as a doctor is the least believable thing in Sharknado 2: The Second One.
10. Comatose April wakes up with a full face of makeup.
April goes on to tell Fin that there was something weird about the shark who bit off her hand. “It’s like he knew who I was,” she says.
11. Fin needs to get to a Mets game. April has a ticket to said Mets game in her purse, which she held onto in the plane crash.
Ellen learns of her brother’s near-death experience and calls him. Fin says she has to get away from the water, which is unfortunate because Ellen is currently with her daughter visiting the Statue of Liberty. She tells Fin that he’s got to save her husband and son, who’ve gone to a Mets game.
Fin worries he’ll have a hard time getting into the game, which is hilarious because the Mets haven’t played a sold-out game in…ever. Also, Ellen had previously sent April a ticket to the game in hopes the estranged former friends would reunite during the 7th-inning stretch. Somehow, April has lost an arm, but kept her purse, and hands the ticket to Fin, who rushes out to save the day.
12. Al Roker and Matt Lauer say horrible dialogue.
These men deserve Emmys for the conviction with which they repeat lines like, “Double Sharknado.” Bless corporate synergy?
13. Things viewers will have no idea about are referenced.
Fin hails a cab, driven by Judd Hirsch, who starred on the seminal ’70s series Taxi. This is a cute bit of stunt casting to anyone above the age of 40 (i.e., no one watching Sharknado 2: The Second One).
14. There are stunts for no reason.
While fleeing the Mets’ home base, Citi Field, Martin decides to leap through the team’s iconic number 42. It serves no purpose. It just seems like McGrath was like, “Can I do this?” Moving on.
15. More ridiculous product placement.
People flee to the subway (which is working despite the massive amount of sharks slowly flooding the tracks), where the camera pauses on Jared from Subway eating a Subway sandwich underneath a Subway advertisement. He also tells the gentleman to his left, “You should eat fresh.” It’s the single most ridiculous piece of product placement in the history of celluloid.
16. Fin hails a cab and gets the same driver he had earlier!
When Fin emerges from the subway, he immediately hails a cab and look who it is: Judd Hirsch. Again. And as someone who lived in New York City for 10 years, I can absolutely tell you that I never had the same cab driver twice. Ever. This is somehow one of the least likely things that happens in a movie about flying sharks.
17. The Statue of Liberty’s head literally chases people down the street…and around corners.
Ellen and What’s-Her-Name have made it back to the mainland when they run into a gentleman (joke alert: It’s Daymond John from Shark Tank. Get it?!) who says they can hide out in his office at the New York Stock Exchange.
Sadly that doesn’t happen because the sharknado rips off Lady Liberty’s head and sends it flying at said kind gentleman, smushing him. Her head then proceeds to chase the women down the street.
The head also continues to chase the women after they commandeer a garbage truck before it eventually bypasses their car and winds up in the Lincoln Tunnel, which means the Statue of Liberty’s head, which began down by Wall Street, lands in midtown, rolling over 50 blocks and taking several detours along the way.
18. April inexplicably has a change of clothes.
Dr. Billy Ray Cyrus goes to check on April, who is missing from her bed, and he quickly gives up on the search. Turns out she’s just behind the door — in a completely new outfit that she’d have no way of possessing since “get the luggage” was not likely on Fin’s to-do list as they were being rushed to the hospital. Also, she put on a bejeweled necklace because, of course.
19. Seriously dangerous chemicals are purchased at a pizzeria and a bodega.
Fin needs to build a bomb to destroy the sharknado, so he goes to his friend’s pizzeria because he used to have propane tanks at summer barbecues. That is seriously Fin’s logic for asking. Although, for what it’s worth, he did have them. Meanwhile, Martin and What’s-His-Name buy road flares and napalm at a local bodega. I can’t even find soy milk at my bodega.
20. Fin jumps from shark to shark to escape a submerged car.
“Frogger!” And this is an idea both Fin and Martin have at the same time.
21. This doorman is still working!
The city is in shambles and the water is rising, but this guy is manning his desk in case the woman in 14B needs to pick up her dry cleaning.
22. Salvation supplies were purchased at a store named “Yolo B’Us.”
At least they didn’t call the movie Sharknado 2: YOLO?
23. The ground floor floods with water from above.
The movie has already established that the family is waiting in the lobby, so where exactly are these rushing waters coming from?
24. These dummies are crushed by falling sharks because they’re just casually walking around during a sharknado.
25. In the middle of a sharknado, April tries to pick a fight with Fin about his high school relationship with Skye (Vivica A. Fox).
Like, right now is the time you choose to talk about your relationship?!?
26. This weather expert had shark chyrons ready to go.
Did you just move from L.A. and bring those with you or something?
28. That said, Fin’s plan is profoundly stupid.
After learning there are barrels of freon atop the Empire State Building (sidebar: Seriously? Are there? That seems unnecessarily dangerous), Fin decides to blow them up in hopes of freezing, and thereby destroying, the sharknado. The only hitch is he has to be there when the building blows up. So, bye?
29. After being told she’s too weak to help, April builds a buzz saw hand for herself.
First of all, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. Second of all, what exactly is your power source? Third of all, how is that staying on your arm? Fourth of all, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS.
30. Fin and Skye’s plan depends on a bolt of electricity hitting the Empire State Building.
Because this movie could also be called Sharknado 2: Back to the Future.
31. As sharks rain from the sky, New Yorkers run to their cars and grab the weapons they’ve secretly been carrying to destroy the creatures.
32. This guy starts throwing live chainsaws into the sharknado.
You know those will eventually come down, right?
33. Following the explosion, while falling through the sky, Fin finds — and grabs — his beloved chainsaw.
34. Fin lassos a shark with a chain, rides it down the sharknado, and spears it on the Empire State Building.
Which, if you’ll recall, just blew up and technically shouldn’t exist.
36. Al and Matt also kill a shark on live television.
37. One last shark, which Fin recognizes from the beginning of the movie (which he never saw), needs to be killed. He removes April’s severed hand, which is still holding the gun, and proceeds to open fire.
And they lived happily ever after.
Until Sharknado 3.