9 Ways To Ensure You Never Get A Date Online

Dating is hard. I get it. But if you are truly avoiding success with online dating this is the list for you.

*Disclaimer

A few months back, my best friend asked me to help her with her online dating prospects. She had been on a few terrible dates and wanted to know if she was just not picking out the "good" guys. So for 3 days, I logged in to read a few messages and profiles and was mortified by what I saw. This list is a compilation of the awkward, ridiculous and just plain rude communication that was occurring. These are all actual quotes. Guys take note: no female wants to see anything on this list. Ever.

1. Use horrific grammar.

Via best-memes.tumblr.com

I mean come on. You have time to proofread before you post anything. Get it together. Here's an example that will get your message deleted immediately:

"i am looking for someone to talk to and understand what drives. i am not complicated and will be an open book. It theist point need someone to talk to and help me get back upon my silver horse. I know that sound cheese but trust me the story to this point will break your heart and should be made into a movie. lets just say i have been through the Notebook and want more....so talk is cheep at least put your two sense into all of it."

All I can say is Proofread, Proofread, Proofread. Or learn basic English skills.

2. Ask the question "Having any luck on this site?"

Via scifi.stackexchange.com

Really? If she were, would she still be on this site? In 3 days this question was asked 17 times. If you can't come up with anything better than this, then you should just step back from dating for a while and reevaluate your life.

3. Have Mulitple Shirtless Bathroom Photos.

Via someecards.com

These pics have become the new "duckface" photos. Just stop it. And for-the-love-of-all-that-is-sane if you remove them, please don't send a message about it like this guy did. It doesn't make you look better:

"I removed all 23 of my shirtless photos just for you :)"

4. Spamming.

Via worldbizdata.com

It's obvious when you send a generic message to several women at once. But I have also seen spamming in the form of sending the same message repeatedly or this:

"Hello my name is ********. I am just wishing for people to find me on face book and like some of my artwork. I have returned to drawing two years ago and need a few more likes on my page to keep me drawing more. Soon I will have enough for a show downtown. Friends are more important than mates to me now. Thank you."

How about we all just keep the SPAM to the 1950's dinner table, okay?

5. Use cheesy, offensive or ridiculous pick-up lines.

Via whybecausescience.com

Here is a rule of thumb: if you wouldn't say it to a woman in public, you probably shouldn't type it online. Exhibit A-F:

"Prepare to be swept off your feet in a fashion that Cinderella would be jealous."

"Life without you is like broken pencil... Pointless."

"So I said, "do you love me." And she said, "no, but that's a real nice ski mask.""

"So! Are you ready for the greatest story ever told?? The story about how we met, and fell in love?? Let's be the next match.com made in heaven??"

"I'm like that one good parking spot by the front door you wish you had!"

"I figured if you're described as mother hen, then you'd know where chicken little is. I only ask because I was thinking of eventually writing a game with him as a character and I want to get his consent! I am definitely looking for similar to you, a special person to share life with."

All I can say is WTF?

6. Sound ridiculously arrogant.

Via memegenerator.net

Let's take a look at this unwarranted arrogance:

"Not only am I testosterone charged, a mans man, full of life, and mildly attractive; but I also have a softer side that would appeal to you."

"I've been told that I'm a hard worker and I do expect a lot out of myself. I once cried in 2nd grade because I got an A minus in writing (stupid cursive!) I take pride in doing things well, whether it be playing the guitar or making Hot Pockets."

"I'm a selfish prick. Good-looking, successful, thin, toned-body. Young enough to do it, and old enough to do it right. I don't smoke. I'm lots of fun, but I don't have time for emotional hysterics or petty drama. Also, I'm intelligent and well-educated, and don't care what anyone else thinks of me. I do what I want and when I want, but you've probably figured that out already."

I mean, if you love yourself this much then why are you dating? Your awesomeness should be enough.

7. Express unrealistic or just plain weird expectations.

Via cheezburger.com

You haven't even met in real life... pipe the f--- down and definitely don't write this:

"(Fyi I am also interested in having kids relatively soon. Obviously my "clock" doesn't wind down in the same ways yours does, but at 42 I think about it a lot more now.)"

"I wished I had a magic carpet! id be clicking my heels ..... and north bound would be me flight in sight."

"Kiss me and I will turn into a prince."

"I think a perfect first date would be: It might involve a chain restaurant, a roller coaster or a movie. It may involve eating, excitement or entertainment. It definitely involves me, you and a long, drawn-out moment and lots of laughs and getting to know each other while we don't want to say good night."

8. Use sexual innuendo including in your username.

Via memecenter.com

This makes you look creepy. And kind of like a serial killer. Don't use usernames like "Wetdonkey69" or "Meatball88" or "HamsterWang123." And don't write things like this:

"I love the way the warm sand feels as it rolls through my toes while hearing the gushing sounds of waves walking on the beach. I love the way the shadows shine through the branches of the trees outside my window on a moonlit night. I love the way the texture of wine changes as it rolls over my tongue. A woman wants to feel and be in her feminine essence."

"Can just anybody lick or just your doggie? How's it going?"

Just don't. For everyone's sake.

9. Insult your potential date or just women in general.

Via knowyourmeme.com

This is the ultimate "win" in scaring away women. Good for you! You sir have just won the douchebag of the year award!

"All of these desperate and lonely women, and then I see your ad and think 'Hey, here is another lonely and desperate woman who is actually CUTE!' So I thought I'd write to see if you had a personality to match your looks."

Now tell me how many of these you have violated this week?