21 Problems Scottish People Face When They Move To London

There comes a time in many Scottish lives when a move to London is unavoidable. Be warned: it's difficult to find Tennent's.

1. It's hard to leave.

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Moving to London can seem like a good idea right up until you arrive at the train station, realise your time in Scotland is at an end, and feel so emotional that you burst into a tourist shop and buy more shortbread than any man could eat in a month.

2. The train down to London is full of other people who don't want to leave Scotland.

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There's a perception that Scottish people are heavy drinkers, but that's only because we turn to alcohol on the journey down to help cope with the trauma of leaving.

3. Arriving is terrifying.

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The population of London is double the population of Scotland. When you arrive, all 10 million of them have somewhere to go and you - and your big bag of shortbread - are in the way.

4. Everyone thinks your accent is hilarious.

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There are four reactions to a Scottish accent in London:

1. "I have no idea what you are trying to say."

2. "Ha! You sound funny! Say something Scottish!"

3. "I love your Irish accent."

4. "How did you vote in the referendum?"

5. It takes forever to cross the road.

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The roads are so busy in London that you give up trying to cross them independently and are forced to put your life back in the hands of the green man.

6. Hotels are expensive.

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You either pay over a hundred quid for a hotel room, or book something cheaper and risk being woken up by an unidentifiable creature scurrying around the room at 5am. This happened.

7. Flats are expensive.

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Logging on to a letting site, you'll realise that you will either have to bankrupt yourself to rent a flat, or live in one which is roughly the same size as an apostrophe.

8. Everything is expensive.

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After shelling out for a hotel or a flat, you might want to celebrate with a drink. Oh, look at that, a pint is the same price as the entirety of Motherwell.

9. The underground is too big.

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Scotland's only underground, Glasgow, goes around in a big circle which means that you'll always get to the right place eventually. Not the case in London. Some say a number of a Scots have taken the London Underground never to be been seen again.

10. Men wear tops, even if it's sunny.

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There is only one reaction to sunny weather in Scotland - taps aff. That doesn't happen in London. You will become homesick over the lack of visible male nipples.

11. Pigeons. Pigeons everywhere.

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Scottish pigeons tend to be a shy, introverted bunch. London pigeons demand food, and if you don't provide it they will beat you up and steal your lunch money.

12. Pubs don't automatically serve Tennent's Lager.

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Tennent's is the go-to "I can't be bothered to think of a more original choice" in Scottish pubs. Now you actually have to think about what to order.

13. Irn Bru becomes an exotic luxury.

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The first few days in London are particularly cruel for Scottish people as they have to go cold turkey on Irn Bru. But then you'll find a shop which sells it, and you will choose to rent a flat next to that shop.

14. There's a hipster epidemic.

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You soon realise you are behind fashion trends, but console yourself by thinking, if you dressed like that back at home, you would be shunned by society.

15. You will be asked how you voted in the referendum within five minutes of meeting someone.

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It was difficult to talk about the referendum in Scotland, try talking about it in England where some see the 45% Yes vote as a personal insult.

16. Lots of Scottish people end up here.

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You encounter lots of Scottish people in London, and most of them are doing better than William Wallace who was brought here to be hanged, drawn and quartered.

17. You'll start saying 'mate' more.

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Slowly but surely, you’ll start saying words which you have previously only heard in Danny Dyer films. You will initially find this distressing, but learn to live with it.

18. A thing is always happening.

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In Scotland, going wild is reserved for the weekend but, in London, you can spend every night of the week doing a thing.

19. Scottish money is actually accepted.

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Contrary to what Michael MacIntyre would have you believe, you will discover you can actually spend Scottish money. Most of the time.

20. You'll gradually feel less like a tourist.

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Once you move into your flat and spend a few weeks as a London, you too will begin to find the tourists annoying.

21. Scotland isn't really that far away.

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And, if London all gets too much, Scotland is only a couple of hours away. You can always go back for a visit.