1.
How has the guy who makes Capri Sun straw openings not been up for a job performance review?
2.
*calls up pizza place* WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
3.
4.
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
5.
-Does it have apples in it? -No. -What about pine? -No pine either. -Perfect, we'll call it a pineapple.
6.
7.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
8.
I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn ice cream into breakfast.
9.
Oh r u still using handheld beans?
10.
Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy
11.
Parmesan Sir? "Yes please" Say when. *Grates Parmesan* Sir? "..." *Grates fingers* SIR? "..." *Grates entire hand* Please...I have a family.
12.
13.
*approaches hot blonde at supermarket* "Excuse me but has anyone ever told you that you're blocking the fucking Lunchables?"
14.
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
15.
what Lana song is this from???
16.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
17.
Godzilla on his smartphone, googling 'How many carbs does Tokyo have'
18.
19.
That awkward moment when you try to start a food fight by throwing a sandwich but the guy just catches it and says "thanks for the sandwich"
20.
It's a lot easier to stop eating carbs once you've come to terms with living a joyless life full of anger and sadness.
21.
COOKING HACK: if you put too much water in your rice, toss a few phones in there
22.
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
23.
-The name's Bond. James Bond. -I've written Bond now. -Oh. Can you change it or is it too late? -When your coffee's ready they'll call Bond
24.
25.
Damn girl are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet because I'm not feeling it right now but I see you over there doing you and I respect that.
26.
[Hamburglar returns home from a long day of burger stealing] another long day at work stealing burgers. Wife: we need money not burgers
27.
Ten mins into trifle and chill and he gives u this look x
28.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
29.
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
30.
31.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
32.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom] "Now give me my wife." "This is short by £2.39" [hides Mcflurry] "it's all I got."
33.
What's a 27-letter word for "Corn"?
34.
I just opened up a pizza box and the heat fogged up my glasses like some sort of nerd who saw something sexy
35.
i prefer 6O9 where you are both curled up around a big pizza
36.
37.
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat