1. Little Girls
You know this stringy mother is going to get serious play at show-and-tell.
Doug and his zucchini sat on his porch together all summer long, wrinkling in the sun.
3. Young(ish) women
Not pictured: self-esteem.
Everything, everything was hidden in the zucchini’s squiggly green skin, Evelyne thought. Love, death, God, misery, hope, joy. Life’s little secrets and loudest, chest-beating roars.
5. Guys Who Think They’ve Succeeded Because They’ve Tried
Peter hoped the county fair would have a “Best Personality” award in the zucchini contest this year.
6. Old Men
“Ah yes, but it’s not the size of the zucchini that impresses; rather, it is where I will be putting it.”
7. Brothers and Sisters
Mr. and Mrs. Williams enjoyed parenting, gardening, and forcing their children to stare into the sun.
8. Normal Folk
The Dillsons pose with their enormous zucchini and the many awards that prove to the visitors they’ve never had that they once raised an enormous zucchini.
9. People For Whom Gardening Is Way More Than A Hobby
I can’t bring myself to make fun of this lady because this is so clearly the best day of her life.
Bigger than my husband; not bigger than the gaping hole in our sex life.
11. Intense Kids
He’d show them. He’d show them all. Forget the kids at school. From now on, he would be “John Kratinsky, Squash King.”
12. Less Intense Kids Who Want You To Think They’re Intense
Sometimes a t-shirt is worth a thousand words.
“Oh, I met your Aunt Edna here back in the summer of ‘93—ain’t that right, Edna.”
14. New Girls
Even Zooey Deschanel is on this squash train.
Distressed, impressed, wondering where the milk comes out of this thing.
16. Bald Men
I wonder how you’d look in one of my wigs…
Well sure, it’s big and yellow—but does it vibrate.
This couple self-identifies as “squash people.” No one is surprised by this information.
This photo has nothing to do with altar boys. Why would you even think that?
20. Women Who Want To Be Mothers
This woman sings lullabies to her butternut squash while thinking: “If you ever try to leave me, I will destroy you.”
21. Actual Mothers
This woman clothes her squash in garments purchased for her son, who is wandering out the back door and on to the train tracks outside.
22. Old Women Who Look Like Aliens Wielding Futuristic Weaponry
Don’t be confused; this woman is not a Salarian.
23. Men Who Have It All, And Know It
I own a feline cat, a .22 caliber rifle, a fine crane shirt, and this handsome assortment of squashes. I want for nothing, and I need no one.
Finally, someone gets it.
27. Television Characters
iCarly and friends tell us how Michael grew a giant zucchini.
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