Internet Warning Screens - From The Twee To The Testicle Shrinking

Think of the internet like a library. A vast, disorganized, filthy library frequented by mentally defective people and mainly consisting of unlikely things looking like Hitler and many, many ‘How to Twerk’ videos. Rather than librarians or security guards, this facility has large scary people who hide behind the bookcases waiting for you to do something wrong. And when you do, they leap at you brandishing a sock filled with soap and screaming ‘YOU ARE THE DEVIL’ in your face. These are internet warning screens. Those sudden, unexpected pages that fill our monitors with vague, threatening language and our very souls with untold dread. They have the same derailing effect as a broken Blu-Ray that freezes on Nicolas Cage during a furious gurn or a note slipped under your door with ‘I STAB YOU IN DICKHOLE’ scrawled on the front in crayon. What follows are some of the worst offenders, rated by their excreta-generating capabilities.

TWITTER IS OVER CAPACITY

Yay! It’s cute birdies and happy whales and lovely, soft, twee colours! All is well in Twitterland and while there is obviously something monumentally amazing happening which everyone is furiously blathering about causing the site to crash and you’re hopelessly late to the party, never mind because here’s a lovely, sweet, Cath Kiston-esque image to soothe you. Why is that whale so fucking happy? It has been dragged from the water and is obviously about to die.

Combat the feeling of panic with these 15 things to do whilst Twitter is down.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: SCPHINTER CLENCHING

502 – BAD GATEWAY

Whenever I see this fill my screen, I immediately picture a terrifying inbred farmer, casually leaning against a fence-post, holding a cocked shotgun against his hip as he catches you clambering over a stile onto his private property. He nods towards a group of sinister looking out-buildings, where your fate will be sealed. “No point in screaming boyo,” he’ll say calmly in his farmer’s accent’ “ain’t nobody going to hear you”.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: LIGHT STOMACH GURGLING AND HEAT, AKIN TO EATING AN OLD CURRY FOUND IN A CAR PARK

BANDWIDTH LIMIT EXCEEDED

It’s like the fear experienced when you check your bank balance after a long and particularly messy weekend. You can’t quite remember why you suddenly have the complete DVD boxset of Allo Allo and bed full of gravel and Quavers, but it might be worth checking to see the dent you put in your account. The answer is never satisfying. There must be a reason why you’ve exceeded by bandwidth usage and that reason is almost certainly going to be very bad. So bad that you’re probably now on a list somewhere. And what’s that strange van outside the window? It’s been there all day. And why is your phone suddenly making a strange noise?

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: BUILD-UP OF FLUID IN ANAL CANAL

CONNECTION TIMED OUT

You may as well have a screen reading: “You Are Worthless”. Either your computer is shit, your broadband is shit or you’re trying to reach a page that is shit. Shit + Shit + Shit = YOU. While you’re waiting for your life to improve, why not look at that Community College prospectus your mother sent you. No pressure, just a suggestion darling because me and daddy are so worried about you and that ‘reefer’ you keep smoking.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: IRRITABLE

503 – FORBIDDEN

Oh shit. Forbidden. That is an emotive word. It screams of being young and fucking up in such a monumental fashion that your whole way of life is about to be affected. ‘You are FORBIDDEN from ever seeing that boy/driving that car/entering that donkey sanctuary EVER AGAIN’. No explanation will ever satisfy. You can’t speak. Even though you’re too old, you can’t help it: hot, thick salty tears start to form puddles on the floor of the Rumpus Room and snot flows down your face.

If you don't know your proverbial 50-arse from your 30-elbow have a read of this guide to deciphering status codes.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: DRASTIC. PULL OVER RIGHT NOW OR THIS LONG CAR JOURNEY IS GOING TO GET A WHOLE LOT WORSE.

MIXED CONTENT WARNING

Ah, the Russian Roulette of internet warning pop-ups. It’s like that girl you start to go out with and she’s really fun, but after the third date she starts to tell you about her ‘bad uncle’ and then she’s crying and laughing at the same time and standing on the table at the restaurant screaming ‘LET’S GO AND WATCH KRULL RIGHT NOW!’ You want to keep seeing her because the sex is great, but you know that any day now you going to be in too deep and suddenly you’re taking a day off work to sit outside a clinic wondering what the fuck happened?

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: CLASSIC TURTLE HEAD.

UNNATURAL LINK WARNING

You don’t want to piss off Google. They may act all ‘free lollipops and offices full of air-hockey tables’ on the outside, but if you try to fuck with them in any way, from setting up some spammy site to expressing your displeasure at the ‘Google Doodle’ celebrating the first successful abortion, they will fuck you right back. The ‘Unnatural Link Warning’ is just a shot across your bows. Next time it will be your virtual kneecaps.

Unsure what an unnatural link warning actually is? See here.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: LIGHT PEPPERING OF UNDERGARMENTS

PROBLEM WITH SECURITY CERTIFICATE

Like biting into a delicious frosted doughnut and finding a landmine inside. Surely this is fine? I can just eat around it. As long as my teeth don’t touch the… BOOM! Look, there’s probably a really good reason they didn’t update their security certificate. Perhaps the post office was closed or Simon is working a half day and he looks after that sort of thing. Or because they are now PIRATES, that’s why. You take the risk, you click proceed, you blithely enter the site, whistling nonchalantly. Then suddenly you’re below decks and someone named Paulie has made you his bitch.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: A WET FART WITH A HIDDEN AGENDA

GOOGLE ADSENSE BAN

Dude, you got greedy. You had it good. The money, the power, the women. But you just had to have a few extra clicks didn’t you? No one will notice. Click, click. Then suddenly you’re cloaking, you’re hiding, you’re spambotting. Before you know it you’ve got a steamy room full of half-naked women in surgical masks stuffing keywords into every available orifice. It’s fine! Everyone does it! Google will never find out! Then comes the knock on the door…

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: FULL RELEASE. NO WARDROBE REQUIRED. LETTERS OF APOLOGY HAVE TO BE DRAFTED.

MALWARE DETECTED

The online equivalent of popping into the doctors to collect a prescription for an ailing relative, then being told that the lump on your testes looks a bit worrying, then being informed that lump on your testes is terminal and then being kicked in the lump on your testes. There is nothing left to do but say your goodbyes and get your affairs in order before the inevitable. Except you can’t because your computer doesn’t work anymore.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: TUCK YOUR TROUSERS INTO YOUR SOCKS AND HOPE PEOPLE THINK IT’S SOME FORM OF PERFORMANCE ART.

FBI SITE SEIZURE

It is the dream of many people to see an eagle in the wild. It’s like witnessing the Northern Lights or a total eclipse. One of those wonders of nature that we should all experience at least once in our lifetimes. Unless that eagle is clutching an American flag in its mighty talons and has the letters FBI sitting under it.

We all know that every government agency is totally inept and practically incapable of understanding, let alone solving, any form of computer based malfeasance. So for them to actually unearth your site, appreciate the levels of its depravity within and slap a seizure notice all over it, means your life is practically over. You better start practicing your Aspergers or you’ll be extradited faster than you can say Anonymous.

BOWEL EVACUATION RATING: VOLCANIC IN SOUND, FORM AND TEXTURE.