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27 Things Jews Are Tired Of Hearing On Passover

Can’t we all just agree that matzoh is actually not good?

1. “Happy Passover! Wait. Do you say ‘Happy Passover’?”

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Yes, yes you can.

2. “What’s Passover about again?”

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Here’s a Haggadah. Read on.

3. “So, is this the one where you fast?”

Nope.

4. “Oh, it’s the one where you can’t have bread?”

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Yes, among many other things.

5. “But you can have, like, everything else, right?”

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More like NOTHING else.

6. “Wait, what can’t you eat again?”

Anything with wheat, oats, rye, barley, rice, corn, beans, lentils, peas, soybeans, peanuts, or sesame seeds (to name a few ingredients) is off the table.

7. “And how long is it for?”

Eight horrible bread (and more)-less days.

8. “Then you get eight days of presents, right? Like Hanukkah.”

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If by present you mean constipation, then yes, yes you do.

9. “Oh, well, that’s not that hard. We have to give up something for Lent for 40 days.”

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BUT THAT IS ONLY ONE THING.

10. “Don’t you drink a lot of wine, though?”

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Have you ever had Manischewitz? ‘Tis hardly wine.

11. “You’re so lucky. You get to leave work early!”

 

I would rather be here.

12. “I love matzoh!”

Oh, really? DO YOU?!

13. “Can I have a piece of your matzoh?”

Seriously? This is the only thing I have for lunch!

14. “Oh, it’s the plain kind? The everything one is really good.”

The everything one is also not kosher for Passover.

15. “Can I have a piece of your Bazooka gum?”

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Again, this is only thing I have getting me through the day.

16. “I haven’t had this in forever!”

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Because who would choose gum that loses its flavor in a matter of seconds?

17. “Ugh, the comic’s in Hebrew?”

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Yep. It’s for Passover.

18. “What does it say?”

 

God knows. It has no vowels!

19. “You can’t even read Hebrew?”

Not since my Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

20. “You’re leaving work early again?! But Dan’s Jewish and he’s not leaving.”

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Well, Dan’s actually not that Jewish, seemingly.

21. “Why aren’t you having any of Ali’s birthday cake?”

Because it includes the earlier ingredients I mentioned!

22. “Want to go get pizza?”

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SERIOUSLY?!

23. “Wait, you can’t have pizza?!”

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Unless Sbarro’s is now serving matzoh, no, I cannot.

24. “Why aren’t you coming to after-work drinks?”

Do you know what’s in alcohol?

25. “Can I have a piece of your chocolate?”

You’ve already had my matzoh and Bazooka. Why not?

26. “Ew. This tastes weird.”

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YES, BUT IT’S ALL I HAVE!

27. “What are you doing for Easter?”

Wishing I could eat your chocolate instead of that shit.

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