1. “Happy Passover! Wait. Do you say ‘Happy Passover’?”
Yes, yes you can.
2. “What’s Passover about again?”
Here’s a Haggadah. Read on.
3. “So, is this the one where you fast?”
4. “Oh, it’s the one where you can’t have bread?”
Yes, among many other things.
6. “Wait, what can’t you eat again?”
Anything with wheat, oats, rye, barley, rice, corn, beans, lentils, peas, soybeans, peanuts, or sesame seeds (to name a few ingredients) is off the table.
7. “And how long is it for?”
Eight horrible bread (and more)-less days.
8. “Then you get eight days of presents, right? Like Hanukkah.”
If by present you mean constipation, then yes, yes you do.
9. “Oh, well, that’s not that hard. We have to give up something for Lent for 40 days.”
BUT THAT IS ONLY ONE THING.
10. “Don’t you drink a lot of wine, though?”
Have you ever had Manischewitz? ‘Tis hardly wine.
13. “Can I have a piece of your matzoh?”
Seriously? This is the only thing I have for lunch!
14. “Oh, it’s the plain kind? The everything one is really good.”
The everything one is also not kosher for Passover.
15. “Can I have a piece of your Bazooka gum?”
Again, this is only thing I have getting me through the day.
16. “I haven’t had this in forever!”
Because who would choose gum that loses its flavor in a matter of seconds?
19. “You can’t even read Hebrew?”
Not since my Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
20. “You’re leaving work early again?! But Dan’s Jewish and he’s not leaving.”
Well, Dan’s actually not that Jewish, seemingly.
21. “Why aren’t you having any of Ali’s birthday cake?”
Because it includes the earlier ingredients I mentioned!
23. “Wait, you can’t have pizza?!”
Unless Sbarro’s is now serving matzoh, no, I cannot.
24. “Why aren’t you coming to after-work drinks?”
Do you know what’s in alcohol?
25. “Can I have a piece of your chocolate?”
You’ve already had my matzoh and Bazooka. Why not?