1. Walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk/stairs/hallway.
If we’re walking directly at each other, you’re on the wrong side, and I’m putting my shoulder down.
2. Chewing with your mouth open.
This is pretty basic, but you’d be surprised. Stop being such a plebian and shut your mouth-hole.
3. Being overly-concerned with appearances.
If your appearance defines you, you’re doing life wrong.
4. Not worrying about your appearance enough.
There’s a Goldilocks’ Zone. Put some deodorant on. You might not mind your B.O., but the rest of us do.
5. When your diction comprises erudite verbiage when unpretentious elocution would suffice.
Okay, you’re smart, but not smart enough to know how to make friends.
6. Judging those who don’t watch your favorite show…
“You don’t watch [insert title here]? How are you a person?” That’s not a good way to make friends.
8. Being a martyr.
“Oh, let me get those bags for you. Let me pay for that meal for you. Let me use my body as a bridge for you to cross this puddle. Let me commit seppuku to regain your family’s honor.”
You’re selfless to the extent that I hate you.
9. Being overly-optimistic.
Sometimes things are just shitty, and I want to feel shitty about them. Get your positive attitude and pleasantness out of my face.
We all know this person. So concerned with winning that they ignores the spirit of the rules. You may have won the game, but you lost at getting invited next week.
11. Waiting to merge until the lane you’re in closes.
Everybody you just passed now hates you. You see this traffic jam? You’re the problem.
12. Being overly-ambitious.
Ease up, enjoy life. Do you really need to crush everyone in your path in order to climb up the company ladder?
13. Being overly-aggressive at the bar.
Or overly-excited. I’m looking at you, button-down bros. And you, their woo-girl counterparts.
14. Over-staying your welcome.
Looking at you, guy who pops into my cubicle and talks for way too long. Don’t you have some work to be doing? What do you even do here?
15. Taking forever to respond to a text during a romantic conversation.
I can’t decide if you’ve died in a freak accident or if you and your friends are laughing at my attempts at flirtation.
17. Being overly-competitive.
If you are thinking, “My over-30 coed league is meant to be competitive,” then you are that guy. The only reason they let you on the team is because your Brian’s brother-in-law.