For everyone who doesn't know, this is Ben "Macklemore" Haggerty.
He has risen as hip-hop's pre-eminent white rapper because Eminem's raps still target homosexuals and Iggy Azalea's raps target Homo sapiens.
Anyway, Macklemore died for our sins and got the SCOTUS to legalize same-sex marriage.
He even apologized to Kendrick Lamar for stealing a Grammy from him.
So, needless to say...
If only #MacklemoreJoinedISIS were true, and he could take Kanye and Kim with him.
But then, something troubling happened. I attended the VMAs and was fully prepared to skip Macklemore's new single "Downtown"* to get drinks at the concession stand, when this happened:
Macklemore was smiling and doing dance moves from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo and DEAR GOD I ENJOYED IT.
Then the worst thing ever happened that night:
Is this a safe space to admit I had a sex dream about Macklemore last night
And I did not find support:
@ira No.
@ira prayin 4 u
@ira No, it is not.
@ira
My mentions were destroyed:
Reading my mentions
BUT I COULDN'T HELP IT. LOOK AT THIS GENTLY RESTING CHERUB.
LOOK HOW CUTE HIS DANCING IS.
LOOK AT HIM CRASHING RIGHT INTO MY HEART.
I think I've watched this video over 70 times in less than 48 hours.
View this video on YouTube
I've begged Macklemore to release me from this hold, but he will not!
He just keeps grabbing his crotch...
And thrusting...
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?
1-800-CHARTER won't help.
Writing to Scruff McGruff in Chicago, Illinois, 60652 won't help.
