1. You know AT LEAST one hostess who…em…earns her free food at work.
She does not discriminate between FOH and BOH. That’s class.
2. You know that….reservations don’t really matter.
OH YEAH…CAT’S OUTTA THE BAG.
3. You have 2 resumes: one for real world jobs and one for restaurant jobs.
Real job resume: Hard-working college graduate with experience using SAS. Has 3 years intern experience as a computer analyst.
Personable, loves talking to people, good at answering phones, and good at choosing where people sit…oh and I know Joe.
5. Your reaction when someone who had already ordered asks to move to a booth:
Of course! No problem! Sure thing!
6. But inside….
DAMN YOU BOOTHS!
7. Your reaction when you see someone pass the host stand….and seat themselves.
Oh you are JERRY SMITH….I should have known. Anywhere you’d like, sire.
8. You have worked with a busser that makes every moment creepy:
So are you walking home alone to the train tonight?
9. During a 4 hour rush, you have no shame stuffing your face with the free bread.
You are poor. The bread it free. You are not above taking a few loaves for the week.
10. When some asks you if you can drink at work, you swiftly reply….
*Key is wine before and during rush; liquor after.
11. You constantly use phrases like: ‘3 top,’ ‘64 covers,’ and ‘tip-out.’
We have a secret language.
12. You have eaten off a plate of someone’s left-overs.
“If you would kiss them, then why does it matter?”
13. You know being a host is the best restaurant job, because when that 5 top comes in 2 minutes before the kitchen closes, you are out the door.
Only after I grab some food and booze.
14. You have a proficient level of Spanish thanks to the BOH staff.
‘Si, tengo un novio. Lo siento.’
15. You know the golden rule of restaurants….WHAT HAPPENS IN THE KITCHEN, STAYS IN THE KITCHEN
No I didn’t drop it on the floor…
16. And that mostly consists of talking shit about the guy who keeps sending back his steak.
Sir…you said rare.
17. Most of your co-workers are in improv groups and want to be actors.
WE ARE ALL GONNA MAKE IT…SNL HERE WE COME!
18. …but you know they are actually pretty good actors, as they always pull off ‘chipper’…while hungover.
Hahaha…good one sir.
19. You know that while some waiters are like this….
20. …you really only know ones like this.
21. At the end of the day, no matter how poor you are, when you receive your cash tips, you feel like:
Let’s go out! The bills will pay themselves.
22. And whenever you go out to eat, you apologize for anything you ask of the staff.
I AM SO SORRY, but can I get some water? So sorry!