1. Bringing Your Mother
Moms ARE NOT props! One of the ultimate clichés of an award show is when an actor or actress makes the decision to bring their mother as their date…as if the person they’re currently having sex with had somewhere else more important to be, like AA! Of course, the decision to tote mom is to try and come across as the most humble and deserving nominee of the category. But it’s a facade! They mean to say that in all the expensive places they frequent to do illegal things in, they haven’t seen at least ONE pretty person in the last week that could have escorted them to the Emmys? That’s just offensive. Nominees: stop pretending a seat at the awards is the best way to thank your mother for working four jobs so you could pay for your headshots. Man up and go alone. If you actually cared for her, you’d have already given her your “happy ending” masseuse for a week.
2. Skipping The Red Carpet
When celebrities skip the red carpet, they think we’ll interpret their absence as something along the lines of them being far superior to Emmy protocol and they’ll earn our respect. Though schmoozing with folks like Ryan Seacrest is the most self-indulgent part of the Emmys, (next to the speech where they tell us why they deserve the award more than Michael C. Hall, who just battled cancer) many PR people encourage the celebrities who are capable of putting a noun with a verb to participate because it’s free press. But really, the folks who skip the red carpet and sneak in before the show begins are the worst, because they’re being picky and choosy. If you’re going to an award show, you’ve gotta do the whole kit and kaboodle. Nobody ever saved Princess Peach without dodging Bowser’s rotating fireballs first.
3. Thanking The People Who Contributed Nothing To Your Win
Occasionally, the actor who beats out the other four actors nominated for the Emmy will walk on stage and will genuinely be shocked. Most of the time, these guys give the best speeches because they’re so incredibly likely to lose their minds and provide us with a moment of excitement in a show that a guy who brings his dog to work has spent the last few months planning. But when the winner gets up there and starts thanking the people who had nothing to do with his award (like their Starbucks barista or the Best Buy guy who installed his A.C.), what was supposed to be an enjoyable two minutes gets turned into an irritating grass stain. Part of being an actor is being self-righteous and buying up the entire block to build a horse stable and evicting twenty one-parent families! Nobody’s expecting them to be gracious receivers after they won the Emmy instead of Betty White! That’s an achievement! Everyone cut the crap and thank yourself for all your hard work. Besides, where were your friends all those times your car stalled on the way to an audition? That’s right – busy having a threesome. They’ve had their fun, now get in on yours.
4. The “Oh, I Wasn’t Expecting This!” Line Of An Acceptance Speech
Again, with the humility! They’re not actors because they’re humble human beings! They’re not doing selfless work, people. They’re not baking birthday cakes for deaf and blind five year olds. They enjoy the spot light, the attention, the standing ovations, the impenetrable lines outside of the stage doors — all of it! It’s crack to them! They rub every ounce and butterfly wing’s worth of our attention into their pores, and when they play a character surprisingly well, they most certainly DO expect us to reward them for it with a statue they’ll only remember they received when they can command 20% more money per project. What they don’t realize is by saying, “Oh! I thought I was going to lose to one of the other women nominated! I was just running off to the bathroom! This is so funny!” we want to take them out back and shoot them like a lactose intolerant cow. Nobody would show up to the ceremony if they didn’t believe they had a chance at winning! But since there are butts in the seats and there are always a few women who have pockets sewn into their dresses (just in case), nobody can ever get away with saying they “weren’t expecting anything” because they so obviously are. The death of a hard drive is unexpected. The receipt of an award when you’re nominated for one is not.