1. Find the worst puns. Use them everywhere. Got a dated cultural reference? Throw that in there. A good way to measure your wordplay success is if your reader is already cringing from your headline.
2. Assume that the world looks exactly like your tiny bubble. Perhaps even right down to a specific street. Be comfy with people knowing how non-diverse your life/worldview is.
3. Be comfortable stripping a culture of its humanity and reducing it to fashion accessories.
4. Use coded language. "Urban" means brown. "Edgy" signifies difference. Pretty words like "elegant" refer to certain people or things. And "people" refers to people who look like the author (read: probably white).
5. Feel free to make up your own history. What is a history but a convenient way to make your argument?
6. However way you have to, make it about you. Find a way. Put yourself in the center of "popularity." If you've never seen it, it must not be a thing! People should walk away knowing you are the gatekeeper of cool.
7. Attribute the trend to whoever you want. WHOEVER.
8. Ignore the fact that you might have readers of color. Slip in an "us" or "we" every now and then to gently remind readers of this fact.
9. LIE. Just make stuff up. String words together and call it a sentence. Notice two people doing a thing? Call it a trend. Use the word "ubiquitous" without any work to prove said ubiquitousness.
10. You discovered it, you name it! Don't waste time researching! This is the fun part of Columbusing so frolic!
11. Praise white people for things people of color are judged for.
12. Make it clear that you are of a certain class. Attach a ridiculous dollar amount to your new "trend" to set it apart from the commoners. Have a high-priced stylist tell you it costs $500 a month to maintain a hi-top fade and never second-guess it.
13. Remember, you're not racist, you just have a particular aesthetic.
Now that you got the rules down, try to write one of your own! Here's a template to get you started:
