The 18 Stages Of Bumping Into Your Ex In A Public Place

It's fight or flight time. Or hide behind a hedge time. One of those.

1. Oh SHIT.

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The first stage is sheer panic. No trace of cohesive thought, just panic.

2. *re-evaluates entire appearance*

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Why does this always happen when you have "a skin thing?"

3. Why are they here? This is MY place.

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This is MY overpriced organic supermarket/hipster coffee place/patch of pavement, they simply cannot be here.

4. Is it too late to pretend I haven't seen them?

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Maybe if I stare at the floor for the next seventeen minutes whilst power walking off the edge of the earth I won't have to engage.

5. Any emergency exits?

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Nope.

6. How do I even greet them? I HATE them.

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Is throwing fresh veg appropriate in Sainsburys?

7. Okay, remember that quote from Singin' In The Rain. "Dignity. Always dignity."

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They can't faze you. They're NOTHING to you.

8. Time to put a brave face on it...

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"Oh, hi there! It has been a long time. I definitely haven't been hoping you sustain a painful but ultimately not fatal injury all this time."

9. Small talk. Jolly good.

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How long until I can leave this conversation?

10. Great, they're trying to make their life sound like it's going REALLY well now that I'm not in it.

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Yes, please tell me more about your plans to teach English in Indonesia.

11. Jesus H Christ, this is hard work.

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This had better not become a regular thing, I hope really hope they move soon.

12. "How am I doing? Really good. Really, REALLY good."

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*exaggerates entire life to sound busy and interesting*

13. "You look well." YES, YES I DO.

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Self confidence restored. They want me back, I know it.

14. I can't believe we used to go out.

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Was I drunk the entire time?

15. I can't believe we're having a conversation like we haven't seen each other naked a hundred times.

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The tension is so palpable you could spread it on toast.

16. Oh no, you have to go?

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Thank the Lord. I was considering a well-timed asthma attack.

17. The awkward goodbye.

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Do we hug? Do we do a weird we're-standing-two-feet-apart wave?

18. Thank Christ that's over.

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You definitely deserve a drink. Or some refined, heavily processed carbohydrates.