1. Creating a résumé that attempts to make you sound impressive.
Does “fourth grade tic-tac-toe champion” go under skills or achievements?
2. Scrolling through listings for hours at a time only to find nothing.
You should be getting paid for even TRYING to find a job.
3. Finding the perfect job…and not being qualified.
10+ years experience to be an entry-level administrative assistant? Get out of my face.
4. Applying to companies with lengthy application processes.
YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO CONTACT ME ANYWAY. JUST LET ME SEND YOU MY RÉSUMÉ AND COVER LETTER LIKE A NORMAL, KINDHEARTED COMPANY.
5. Trying to make contacts at networking events.
“I know I don’t have a business card or a blazer, but I can be good at things sometimes. Please hire me.”
6. Trying to ask old contacts for help.
“So…I know we haven’t spoken since eighth grade…but I’m fucking broke and OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME.”
7. Everyone constantly asking you about your employment status.
If I got hired, I would tell you. Ask me about something less depressing, like how my Netflix marathons are going!
8. Stalking possible future co-workers on LinkedIn.
Wait…they can see I looked at their profile? WHY, INTERNET GODS, WHY?
9. Considering a return to internships.
And a return to college so you’re even allowed to intern at all.
10. Waiting to hear back from the 50+ companies you emailed.
At least a simple “nope” response would reinforce my lack of hope.
11. Finally landing an interview and scrambling to get ready for it.
The outfit, the flawless answers, the thorough research. Who wouldn’t want to hire someone with a knowledge of your company’s founding date AND a tucked in shirt?
12. The interviewer asking everything you didn’t expect.
“Why do I want to work here? Um, well…why don’t you ask me about the color of your website instead?”
13. Writing the perfect thank you letter when you get home.
“Thank you for taking the time to interview me today. I hope I impressed you with my sweaty handshake and nervous foot tapping.”
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