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1. Your daughter announces to everyone in the supermarket line that you wax your mustache.
2. Your son laughs uncontrollably at your naked butt because it jiggles when you brush your teeth.
3. Your kids decide to start an extensive sticker collection ... on your dashboard.
4. Your son drops your wallet down the storm drain. Why? Because it fits.
5. Something in your daughter’s room stinks so you tear the room apart and discover she hid her fish sticks in her nightstand drawer six days ago.
6. Your son draws a permanent marker mustache on his baby sister. The day before family pictures.
7. You leave the room for three seconds and when you come back, your kiddos have decorated the ceiling with their purple smoothies.
8. Your son announces to you in Target that you should buy a smaller tush.
9. Your toddler's favorite place to sit is on your head. Naked.
10. Your kiddo asks why that man is so fat right in front of that man.
11. Your baby pees in your bed so someone has to sleep in the wet spot, but not the good kind.
12. “Hey Mom, let’s play a game! I’ll hide your car keys when you’re not looking, and you try to find them.”
13. The only time you ever get dressed up to go out, your baby projectile vomits all over you.
14. You can’t find your toothbrush. Oh wait, there it is, down your kid’s pants.
15. Your daughter wakes you up at 1am, 2am, 3am, and 4am, and then refuses to wake up for school.
16. Your son has a secret hiding spot for all his boogers, only it’s not so secret. It’s your couch.
17. Your daughter decides to play hair salon with real scissors and her first client is herself.
18. Your toddler goes around to every table in a restaurant and licks the tops of all the parmesan cheese shakers.
19. Your daughter asks you loudly in the public restroom why you’re bleeding from your pagina.
20. Your kid steals your new copy of I Heart My Little A-Holes and drops it in the toilet. Before you flush.
Read Karen Alpert's hysterical take on the many "joys" of parenting in I Heart My Little A-Holes.
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