Greg Oden’s Knees On The NBA

BuzzFeed Sports’ newest writers have had the best view of the game for years now. From the bench.

The Oregonian / Bruce Ely / AP

We know. This is depressing. We, Greg Oden’s Knees, were a part of one of the highest touted NBA prospects of all time, and instead of living it up in the NBA we’re writing for BuzzFeed Sports. It’s a fucking dream come true.

First, we feel like we should defend ourselves a bit. We’re not proud of the last few years, and we know we could have done better. But that said, we’d like the record to show that Greg’s unmitigated disaster of a career so far has not been all our fault. Portland is a graveyard of knees and dreams. Bill Walton? Knee injuries. Joel Przybilla? Knee injuries. Brandon Roy? Knee injuries. Sam Bowie? Okay it was his shins, but still, leg injuries. So when people point at us like we failed Greg, we get a little salty. How many knees have to be destroyed in this hipster shithole before someone investigates? And then they cut us? Fuck you Portland and the giant old-fashioned bicycle with the big front wheel that you rode in on. If Greg had been drafted by Phoenix and their training staff? Forget about it. We’d be carrying around an MVP candidate, dancing all night at some cool club with a terrible name*, and wouldn’t have time to sit here and type as the big guy keeps up with the Kardashians**.

*Bliss? Chance? Those aren’t names, they’re concepts.
**We like Khloe. If you don’t, fuck you.

So we’re supposed to talk about what we think of the NBA, and we will, because we need the work right now, but it seems kind of cruel to make us write about something that we spent our whole lives working to be a part of only to have those dreams crash down around us. We tried to pitch to BuzzFeed Politics, but we guess the political opinions of a 7-foot tall black man’s knees aren’t wanted on this site. If you don’t think we’re going to ask “Yo, Is This Racist?” about this, you’re crazy. Anyway, the NBA…

The Mike Woodson Knicks

Drew Hallowell / Getty Images

Can we all agree that Carmelo Anthony is a douche-nozzle? As soon as Mike Woodson took over Melo came out and said that he’s suddenly playing with a defensive energy he didn’t have all season. No shit Melo. You hated Mike D’Antoni and pouted about it until the team got rid of him. Unless Mike Woodson is some type of wizard who has a magic spell to give you more energy, your lack of hustle for D’Antoni was your choice. But again, if Mike Woodson is a wizard I totally apologize, and I’d love to know if he has anything for knees. Also I’d love to know if the potency of his magical powers is directly proportional to the thickness of his goatee, because that would explain a ton.

Ramon Sessions In LA

Stephen Dunn / Getty Images

Sessions is fast as hell. He’s athletic. He’s entertaining. But let’s stop acting like he’s an All-Star or something. That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. He’s a great back up point guard and a serviceable starter. Don’t do that dumbass big market thing where you pretend that a guy who has been a solid small-market pro has somehow made a leap just by coming to LA. But we won’t totally hate. It’ll definitely help the Lakers in the playoffs to not have Derek Fisher’s rotted out corpse playing point guard.

Also we know people were beating up the Cavs for trading Sessions for “nothing,” while taking on Luke Walton’s bullshit contract that might as well have “fuck you, ownership” written in every margin. But that’s not totally fair. Sure the first-round pick the Lakers sent to Cleveland is late, but this trade was just as much about improving the draft odds on the Cavs’ pick this year as anything else. Ramon Sessions is going to win you a few games. A few games is the difference between having a good shot at Harrison Barnes or Bradley Beal and getting stuck with Perry Jones III and his laissez-faire approach to the game. And everyone knows the higher the pick, the better the player. Right? Right guys? (We will now go get shit-faced and cry while Greg looks at college brochures.)

Kevin Durant

Ronald Martinez / Getty Images

Fuck Kevin Durant.

Greg Oden’s Knees write a Friday NBA column for BuzzFeed Sports. They are a little bitter about their career.

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