Why Chris Christie Should Have Grown Awesome 19th Century Facial Hair Rather Than Getting His Stomach Stapled

Beards are more manly and more badass, after my review of morbidly obese politicians of the 19th and early 20th century you will surely agree.

Chris Christie recently got his stomach stapled. He should have asked me for advice. I'd have told him to grow a moustache or a beard instead.

It's a lot cheaper.

Via http://New%20York%20Times

All you need are some trimmers.

And, just look at this facial hair.

Here's Taft when he was president.

And here's Taft the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Yup, he kinda had a triple crown there.

Christie is much fatter than Taft, if he only had some, even just comparably awesome facial hair, the presidency is his to lose!

This guy's name is Edwin Stanton. He was Lincoln's "God of War".

For those who need the clarification, Secretary of War.

Actually, most of Lincoln's Cabinet had pretty baller beards.

Grover Cleveland won the presidency with badass facial hair on two non consecutive occasions.

And I can't leave out the original badass, Theodore Roosevelt.

His moustache alone could whoop the ass of any army on earth.

Whoops, this one's Snidley Whiplash.

Need I say more than this poorly photoshopped picture?