1.
Steve: did u guys get a good pic of me Dave: ya dont worry Steve: which pic did u use Mark: dont worry about it
2.
[My Wedding] Me: I do Guests: Awww Me: Or do I? Guests: Ooooo
3.
we need to put aside the hate, and be loving to all people of the wo- oh look at this fuckin asshole. nice parking job pal. takin two spaces
4.
Presidents' Day schedule: 6:00 am: wake up 6:00am - 11:00 pm: give it up for the presidents 11:00 pm: go to bed
5.
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i'm serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
6.
well if you love your ex wife so much why dont you marry her. ah im very sorry to hear that i had no idea what that meant
7.
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park) INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'? ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
8.
[Speaking at funeral] We made it guys it's Friday
9.
Top 20 Things NO WOMAN Should Wear after 30
10.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things: every person on earth & their opinion of me the crushing psychological weight of being alive
11.
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Barkeep: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Arnold Palmer: Mmm... its good... I just invented it.
12.
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
13.
just thought of a super catchy name for my new berry smoothie. "is it very berry?" oh shit that's way better... [crosses out "highly berry"]
14.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called DARTH VADER: the death— [inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard] DARTH VADER: uh the health star
15.
Whom tryna send me nudes
16.
(me chopping onions) actually im crying because of my life
17.
- much ado about nothing - 2 much 2 nothing - much ado 3: toyko drift - much nothing - much 5 - much ado 6 - nothing 7
18.
[batman watching batman movie] *batman voice* do I really sound like that
19.
*airplane makes really loud noise* *pilot on intercom* what the fuck was that
20.
god: i have made Mankind angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it's got anxiety
21.
Worst haircut ever @GreatClips never going back there employees who were to busy trying to finish quick and clockout
22.
[at a funeral] We should do a jumping photo
23.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german] ME: i have never been more frightened
24.
Dentist: open up Me: well it all started when my dad left Dentist: no I meant Dentist assistant: Wait Glenn let him finish
25.
Alex Trebek: (into mirror) Who is alex trebek
26.
A trailer in a movie theater ended with "November 20th" and a guy loudly said, "thats my birthday" and a random guy said "happy birthday"
27.
when ur feeling sensitive and don't want ur feelings to get hurt
28.
There's so many beautiful places I can't wait to see when I travel the world 👌🌎✈️😍😍😍
29.
Whoa just realized F.ross R.achel I.oey E.obe N.onica D.andler S.ome friends
30.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good
31.
Wife: "Ian is coming over." Me: "Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?" Wife: "Ian- *pulls off mask* -who is good at disguises!"
32.
when your tweet blows up and you gain 2 followers
33.
[Job Interview] Sir, it says here you're part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
34.
Guy dropped his glove on the floor here at MoMA and everyone is nervously stepping around it, unsure if it's art.
35.
Hate when people go "wish I could go back to the 50s" with a pic of someone drinking a milkshake??? Like just go get one????
36.
hope your cargo shorts heal before the big game brah
37.
it's fucked up they make horses and dogs be cops
38.
in light of hulk hogan's scandal, i made new posters you or your local library can use to replace his old ones
39.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
40.
Bottles on deck tonight for my son's 1st birthday. We lit. 😂
41.
I Removed Hamburgers From Photos Of People Eating Hamburgers To Show Obsessed We've Become With Hamburgers
42.
i was makin out with a girl and told her i had to go to the bathroom but i really went to check on my Sims. they were burglarized once again
43.
me: I'll leave the hall light on, so burglars won't break in. burglar: That wasteful fucker left the lights on. Let's break in and kill him
44.
[smashes guitar during 1st song of set] sorry everyone, that was our only guitar. GOOD NIGHT PORTLAND!!
45.
[park bench with girlfriend] so you're dumping me because you don't think I'm smart? "yes brent" *starts raining* great and now sky water