1.
in a way aren't we all responsible for my actions
2.
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
3.
When parents say to kids "go to ur room & think about what you've done" it's really good practice for what you'll do every night as an adult
4.
I have decided to stop answering my phone because people have been using it to talk to me
5.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like "remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"
6.
[picks up crying baby] it's ok buddy, when you grow up you'll learn how to do this on the inside
7.
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I'LL SHOOT YOU ME: *realize I won't have to pay student loans back if I'm dead* MUGGER: ??? ME: I'm thinking.
8.
v cool when ur lookin @ furniture online like wow what a great price for a chair and then it's actually the price 4 the pillow on the chair
9.
[every 3 hours] You know what screw it jm going to treat myself
10.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want... Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
11.
the game of thrones song plays as the camera pans across my living room and instead of cities it's different fast food wrappers
12.
age 18: who's this 23 year old asshole age 23: who's this 18 year old asshole age 30: who's this 29 year old asshole
13.
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
14.
Why do I feel like shit all the time even though I eat plenty of cheeseburgers. Am I not eating enough cheeseburgers
15.
(me chopping onions) actually im crying because of my life
16.
Apparently "bad and weird" is not the right answer when the cashier asks how how you're doing today
17.
MUSICIAN: HOW YALL FEELING TONIGHT? CROWD: YEAAAA CROWD: WAHHHH CROWD: YAHOOO me: pretty good CROWD: AHHHHHH CROWD: GAAHAAH CROWD: HAUUJJJH
18.
Branch out, try something new, live a little, stretch your wings, give it a shot, what could go wrong, lots actually, be careful, stop omg
19.
Adulthood is eating the bruised part of the banana because you spent money and this is your goddamn banana.
20.
Crazy how people more successful than me are lucky and people less successful than me haven't worked as hard
21.
Sometimes I'll take a nap to fast-forward a couple of hours I'm too bored to live through
22.
when you're too lazy to do your laundry but you don't have any clothes left
23.
i've trained my body to wake up every time netflix pauses and press continue
24.
How to be a grown up at work: Replace "Fuck you" with "Ok, great"
25.
You can find me in the club, asking everyone I came with if they're ready to leave yet.