1.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking his path on purpose and making him squeeze past me, in a display of dominance
2.
*pulls up google* *maximizes font size* *turns towards girl next to me* *searches "how to stop someone from sitting next to you on a bench"*
3.
I want to date an older man so I can watch him die
4.
ideal movie script: dude: you're not like other girls girl: what exactly is your problem with other girls, i like other girls. fuck off.
5.
u become a bad bitch the moment u accumulate more hours of cunnilingus received than hours spent watching boys play video games as a teen
6.
every single party where women listen interestedly to men is an extended piece of performance art, and men have NO IDEA
7.
I refuse to let a dude who uses Axe 3-in-1 body gel tell me about natural beauty unless he is a park ranger and he's doing his job.
8.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say "Sorry, I'm with a client."
9.
a guy just caught me taking a selfie n expected me to be ashamed so i took forty more
10.
*wipes doritos dust onto cum-stained sweatpants* hmmmmm time to pick out a flawless wife on the internet. not rihanna her forehead's too big
11.
i call my vagina 'pomegranate' because dudes don't know how to eat it
12.
sry
13.
me when I am around men
14.
cosmo sex tip #669: when you grab his shaft, yell “pull the lever kronk!”
15.
*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
16.
A guy said "You have pretty eyes" I was like no shit
17.
my ub*r driver is playing classical n was like "bet u don't know who this is" n i said "u know i get to rate this ride right"
18.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I'm in the bathroom.
19.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
20.
i came here to chew gum and say "oh wow" when men tell me stories, and i'm all out of - oh wow you went to brazil for a semester? oh wow
21.
Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.
22.
if an adult man ever tries to romance me with a ukulele I will throw him down a well
23.
boy: you have really pretty eyes... me: *suspicious* thank you...??? boy: *leans in slowly* me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
24.
✌️
25.
i love that moment post breakup when girls start posting fire selfies.
26.
DATE: um, hi nice to meet y- ME: *muffled by my jousting helmet* you are a small and weak man
27.
boy: i wished girls liked sports girl: i like sports boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
28.
HOW TO TALK TO PRETTY GIRLS YOU SEE IN THE STREET: -don't -don't do this -they don't want to talk to you -really -yes, you -please stop -no
29.
won't rest until boys are kissing at parties to get attention from girls
30.
finally I can write without my beautiful fucking tits getting in the way
31.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”