1.
I wrote a new christmas song called "I'm also horny for you, lady". basically it's santas response to the lady that sings "santa baby"
2.
Top 10 gifts for baby's first Christmas! 1. Potato 2. A stick 3. Seriously it doesn't matter they won't remember
3.
"Um wow okay" -all of Santa's other reindeer
4.
The older you get the more holidays become about keeping your father off a ladder
5.
theres a war on christmas? come on... why cant they just do it the day after christmas
6.
really mess with your dad's head this year by giving him a book for Christmas that's about a slightly different war
7.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
8.
where do you get those ugly christmas sweaters? every one i have found i look cute
9.
🎶oh Christmas tree, oh christmas tree🎶 Christmas tree: I have a boyfriend
10.
apparently "may your Christmas run red with the blood of a thousand Santas" was a bad thing to say to my niece
11.
if you like christmas so much why don't you merry it
12.
Santa Claus is coming to town and he needs to sleep on your couch man, just for a couple of days until he gets a job, and can he borrow $100
13.
u know it's santa from the sound of sleighbells. u know it's Our Dark Xmas Demonlord from the sound of keyboards in that paul mccartney song
14.
I know its early but im just getting it out of the way: merry Christmas 2017
15.
the ladies call me "the Christmas advertisement" cause it seems like i always come way too early
16.
A mall Santa sits on another mall Santa's lap and the mall explodes
17.
If you don't have a chimney Santa just bursts through your walls like the Kool-Aid Man
18.
*Santa comes down the chimney and finds quinoa & shredded coconut cookies and soy milk* Wtf is this pinteresty shit
19.
Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia.