1. Real chance of being stabbed by a sword!
Some crazy junk goes down every year. Thousands of folks carrying swords around being constantly fueled by sexual and violent imagery is bound to bubble over. If we are honest, the Wolverines, Deadpools, and the Stormshadows are actually wielding just really dull weapons…granted they don’t know how to use them, but still.
2. Waiting to use the bathroom!
When you gotta go you do not want to be held up by 3 guys who are dismantling Storm Trooper costume for 5 minutes. Not cool dudes!
3. Keeping the mystery of celebrities alive!
They are always shorter and have worse skin than you imagined. The moment you meet most of them you begin to realize that no one has written their lines and they are dumb as a shoe. A handful are pretty cool (Like Vin Diesel above) but it is risky.
4. The odor is strong with this one!
It is an aromatic sea of 150,000 nerds forming their own humid ecosystem. Imagine the sewers underneath Jabba the Hutt’s palace? Or what a Gremlin smells like after they melt from the sunlight? If you want to reproduce the smell - go rub an Italian hoagie in your armpit after you work out. Gross!
5. Full Frontal Nerdity!
That paint, sticker, and electrical tape ain’t fooling anyone! I get it that you want to feel what it is like to be Lelu from the Fifth Element, or Slave Leah (Again? Really?) or some random Anime character that only 6 people in the US know about, but there is a reason they call them ‘privates’. Think of the children!
6. The verb ‘Con’ already has a meaning!
Con, conning, to con, git yer con on! Listen…I am all for messing with the language and adding a Z where it does not belong, but let’s not be arbitrary about it. The term Con-Artist is just so confusing here.
7. Protesters protesting protesters!
There is always a group of people parked outside yelling, then there is another group yelling at them. It is a lot of yelling and not a lot of sharing of ideas.
8. Too much visual noise! (and regular noise)
Even as the airplane is landing you are assaulted with over the top stimulation for your eyes. It is impossible to process and becomes a soup of indecipherable colors and shapes. It is like a not so sexy Rainbow Brite vomited a Skittles onto Robert Smith’s and Tim Burton’s love child. Avert your eyes!
9. So much wasted printing!
They say they are all ‘GREEN’ and eco-friendly, but then they print those stupid indie-comic postcard for a free issue no one will ever read. The worst part is all of the awkward moments rejecting postcards from booth babes…speaking of which…
10. Booth ‘Babes’…yeah right!
Ladies, just because you are a little skinny have no shame does not mean you are scientifically a ‘babe’. I put ‘babe’ in quotes because the standards for what qualifies ‘Babes’ is very very subjective.
Guys, I hate to break it to you, but they are PAID to talk to you to disguise how low the budget was for the low-budget DVD they just CONNED you into buying. (proper use of ‘conned’)
11. Cosplayers are cool, but…
…if I see that Jack Sparrow wannabe wobbling around slowing up the foot traffic one more time, I am going to get a Final Fantasy sword up in here!
12. Head wounds are not a costume…
I am all for chubby female Indiana Joneses or Blaxploitation Supermen….heck I love Elvis Trooper and Unemployed Skeletor! But if you just walk around bleeding, that is just irresponsible to society! I am sorry…you need to go. (Also, aren’t we done with Slave Leah?)
13. Icognito Celebs trying too hard!
So you think you are important enough to be recognized? Whatever. Just stop pretending to hide by being the ONLY ONE WEARING SUNGLASSES INSIDE! It is pathetic and no one really wants your reluctant autograph because you are a self proclaimed rapper, actor, and now comic-book writer. (Except Nathan Fillion, but apparently not in the bathroom.)
14. Lines for exclusives or signings are also horrible!
If you want to spend 50% of your day trying to get the daily allotment of yet another Boba Fett (which are over produced and available online next week) then go for it. But when your line is blocking up the traffic and other booths…nu-uh, that ain’t happening! You better check yo self…son!
15. Reality TV Celebrities - the Ultimate Oxymoron!
Listen…I get it, someone owns a camera and pays attention to you when you throw tantrums, but just because you are sassy with ill-informed opinions and a penchant for slow blinking does not mean you have done something that demands respect. Especially if the stupid show has not aired yet…why am I even wasting my time.
16. The lines for the train are just WRONG!
It is the walking dead and someone just drove up with a food cart full of brains! So many people are trying to cross the street and board that train if you are special needs, you need to do some stabbing just to get noticed! Frealz!
17. Hollywood…we get it…you have money!
A few years back Hollywood bought up tons of spaces for big bucks thus forcing out little creative companies, artists, and people who actually have contributed to the Comic Books. The good news is that they have plenty of space dedicated both fans of next year’s equivalent to Halle Berry’s Catwoman.
18. Jocks posing as nerds!
It has always been and it will always be, but let’s not pretend that you are are a full on 100% grade ‘A’ nerd when you have that kind of a physique. Your looks are your super power…so stop acting like you have ever seen the Star Wars Holiday Special! We know you are just saying with your publicist wrote and EVERYONE likes Star Wars (at least the originals). The real giveaway is your smug smarmy smirk when you see a genuine nerd walk by. You disgust me sir. Good day!
19. The cost…is…astronomical!
To do it right, you need Pacific Rim sized wallets filled with cash just to get there, get a hotel, eat, and get around. That does not include the amazing figure exclusive DKE Toys in the cool section. If you don’t have the cash, you are just another sucker waiting in line commiserating with other suckers about the things you saw but will never have. Wah!
20. The flight home!
You are emotionally, physically and financially spent. All you want to do is snag a BBQ Chicken Pizza from California Pizza Kitchen in the Airport, close your eyes and dream of the brief encounter with Erin Grey (She’s still got it!). When suddenly Airport Security is asking you about the Klingon Disruptor replica in your carry on bag. Enjoy the interrogation!