Have you ever been so infuriated with your own mother that you want to call her up and scream through the phone until you lose your voice? But then the thought of her on the other end, tearing up and feeling like a failure somehow breaks your heart and you don't even say half of what you were thinking? That's what's going on with me right now, and that's what brought me to write this for all of you 20-something ladies to read. Well, that's if I even have an audience. But even if I don't, getting it out should feel good.
A brief overview of my mom's life: she was raised by a strict mother in a trailer park. Her father-situation was more messed up than you can imagine, and she was literally the only somewhat-normal one out of her and her 4 siblings—5 if you count the one who was given up for adoption. She was a virgin until she met my dad, and got pregnant like the first time they did it, at 21. He was five years older than her and was just getting out of a weird 5-year marriage. He ran away, literally, to the bar, when he found out she was pregnant. She chased him, literally, to the bar. Eventually, after my brother was born, they convinced each other they should get married. He went on to knock her up three more times before she hit 27. That's right: a mother of four at the age of 27. Fast forward to today, and I'm sorry if you're reading this mom but I've been around the world and back and I've seen very, very poor people who have brighter smiles than you. You're not happy. As long as I've been around, you haven't been happy. Sure, there are moments where you're proud of one of your kids, or you look at dad in a way that I can tell you really love him. But…true happiness? I've never seen it come out of you. And sadly, it has rubbed off on your children. But not on me. I refuse to be unhappy, not because I want to rebel against you. But because I see the world, this life, for what it is. A mere perception compared to what we really are—where we really came from. More on that another time. The point I'm trying to make here is that I do not need to follow down the path of marriage and babies (in no particular order) and in fact, I do not want to follow down that path, at least not in my twenties, because I am certain it will not bring me happiness.
What led me to write this was a telephone conversation I had with my mother. I live across the country from her, but we talk every single day. We tell each other what we did the night before, or what we're doing today, or something new in our lives, and we say 'I love you' before hanging up, only to have a very similar conversation the next day. It's wonderful, really. I love keeping a close relationship with her. Unfortunately, she is a very close-minded individual compared to me and the majority of the people I surround myself with, so it can be really easy for her to irritate me. Nonetheless, we talk every day. One of the (most annoying) questions she asks probably once a week at least is: "So, have you met anyone yet?"—referring to a man, of course. My response is usually something like, "No, mom. Not since the last time you asked me, which was I'm pretty sure 2 days ago." What I really want to say is: "Fuck you, you evil woman. Do you think I need a man to be complete?" Actually, sometimes I do say that, minus the first part. The other day this reoccurring question of hers led us into a long conversation where I was trying to explain to her why I don't want to date anyone and she was trying to argue that of course I do, that's what every girl wants. UMM…I'M SORRY. WHAT?
Yeah, you read that right. Apparently every single girl—pun intended—has one goal: to get married. Because that worked out so well for all the older women in the world, right? Is it just me, or is this the most out-dated way of thinking, coming from women who should have learned better, but instead choose to objectify us young girls who still have a chance? Does my mother not understand that the reason she is so unhappy is because she did not have time to grow up, to learn to love herself, to experience the world around her? Does she not understand that one cannot give herself to someone else, completely committing the rest of her life to him, if she is not 100% comfortable with herself and in love with the life she has created? Is it so hard to see that we create our own world, as long as we give ourselves the chance, and that chance is our 20s, where we are still young enough to be wild, travel the world, have one night stands, make new friends and then learn everything they know, live in a house with strangers, live in a new city and get a dog, jump off a bridge hoping the cord doesn't snap, get another dog, work five different jobs before you find one you are actually passionate about? THIS TAKES TIME, MOM. This doesn't happen in high school; it doesn't even happen in college! (Although, sending me to study in Australia was a start, thank you). All of these things (except for maybe the one night stand) are absolutely necessary in order to find true happiness, the happiness that is intended for us on this planet. I'm not talking about the kind of happiness you see in the mainstream movies, commercials, TV shows. That is artificial happiness, and really only reiterates exactly what my mother believes. And I don't blame her for believing that all young girls want to get married. It is the American dream, after all! The handsome husband with a well-paying job, the small town where everyone knows your name, the white picket fence, the children who are "oh my goodness so smart, and he's only 3-years-old!" Come on, that shit just never happens. And if it does, it might make you happy for a while, but in the long run, you will look back on your life and wish you had done more for yourself.
The happiness that is intended for us is unexplainable, though I'll try anyways. It's the feeling you get when you get an idea, and you want to make the idea a reality. You know that excitement that thrashes around in your veins? You may or may not actually do anything about the idea, but regardless, the feeling of passion is there. I believe that passion is the foundation for happiness. Now, if you were to go ahead and act on your idea, you will likely find true happiness in the process. What's so great about being human is that you can constantly create happiness in different ways, and each time it's like you're experiencing happiness for the first time ever. You will start to see everything in a new light, and that light will influence you to make the most out of everything around you. And you will start to love everything around you, because it is offering happiness to you. And before you know it, you will love yourself. You will be so full of passion and happiness that you will love yourself for getting you there. And guess what? You did it all on your own. No man involved, unless you believe in the big man upstairs. And in fact, if you did have a man, chances are you wouldn't find such a burning passion for everything around you and yourself, because trying to do all of that while trying to cater to the wants and needs of another human being is near impossible. I say near impossible because some two (very wise) people may have the same understanding of this potential happiness and what it takes to get there, and they may be able to do that together. But that is rare, for reasons that I won't get into right now.
The purpose of this article is not to diss my mother, who I do believe has the purest of intentions. Rather, it is to give women like her a little wake up call, and to let girls like me know that you do not need a man to make you happy—in fact, that is exactly the opposite of what you need. And you should not let an older woman influence how much confidence you have in yourself! Next time a woman asks you when you're going to settle down, you tell her, "Some time after I fall in love with myself!" And hey! You older ladies, it's not too late. Leave your husband for a little while—trust me, he won't mind—and go see the world. Go find a hobby that you love, and I'm not talking about crocheting. It is our right and purpose as human beings to add value to the world with our positive energy, and the only way to do that is to find our passions! In conclusion, Mom, this is the last time I will say it: No, I haven't met anyone, and if I do, he'll probably just be a fuck buddy for a few years. Deal with it.
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