1. Alabama Crimson Tide = Governor Chris Christie
Once a feared, bloodthirsty wrecking machine, they’ve quickly gone off the rails. Bridgegate?? Kick return?? Lane Kiffin who??
2. Auburn Tigers = Mayor Marion Barry
The law? What’s that? No one smoked anything. No one paid Cam Newton.
3. Boise State Broncos = Congressman Ron Paul
A force with a cult following, but they represent a threat to the establishment. So no one lets them sit at the grown-up table.
4. Florida Gators = Nancy Pelosi
Seized power from 2006 - 2008, then promptly pissed it away. Arguably the most hated entity on the planet, they have grand plans of returning to the top very soon, and there’s thankfully no chance of that happening.
5. Florida State Seminoles = President Bill Clinton
Dominated the ’90s and is still on the scene. Gets through every scandal smelling like roses. Copious amounts of booze and scantily-clad women surround these two at every turn.
6. LSU Tigers = Governor Sarah Palin
Never, ever a dull moment here. A coach who eats grass. Live alligators being slaughtered and cooked at tailgates? You betcha!
7. Miami Hurricanes = Reverend Al Sharpton
Burst onto the scene in the ’80s with an in-your-face street swagger. Scandals left and right, but keeps coming back for more. Don’t try to kill ‘em, you’ll only make ‘em mad.
8. Michigan Wolverines = The Late Senator Robert Byrd
The face of the “old guard”, with 99% of their glory occurring before the advent of color television. The program died a number of years ago, but no one had the heart to tell them.
9. Michigan State Spartans = Senator Ted Cruz
A ferocious up-and-comer with a relatively small but fiercely loyal fanbase. Loves kicking the big boys in the nuts with a wide array of trick plays: “Little Giants”, “Rocket”, “Green Eggs and Ham”.
10. Nebraska Cornhuskers = Senator John McCain
A former highly respected, dominant player who’s been reduced to the rantings and ravings of a bitter old man. Coach Bo Pelini’s post-game interviews have the warm and fuzzy aura of WWE promos. It’s just sad at this point.
11. Notre Dame Fighting Irish = Speaker Newt Gingrich
Self-righteous, smug, impossibly arrogant, and totally irrelevant since 1994.
12. Ohio State Buckeyes = Senator Hillary Clinton
A powerhouse that’s loved by many and hated by many more. Makes enemies left and right, but very popular with blue collar drunks in the Midwest. Like Hillary, Ohio State was a spectacular choke job away from winning the whole thing in 2008.
13. Oklahoma Sooners = President George W. Bush
Peaked in 2000 and spent the rest of the decade as a running punchline due to repeated failures on the big stage. BCS games? “You’re doin’ a heckuva job, Brownie”.
14. Oregon Ducks = President Barack Obama
The face of the game in the 21st century. Crushes opponents and looks good doing it. All sizzle and no steak, and the media eats it up.
15. Penn State Nittany Lions = Congressman Anthony Weiner
Years of sexual perversion finally caught up with them, yet they’re still in denial. The delusional narcissism runs strong with this one.
16. Stanford Cardinal = Senator John Kerry
Rich. Elitist. No flash whatsoever. Thoroughly uninspiring, even to their own fans. Have a formula that works, but can’t win the big one. No bother. National championships are for the common serfs.
17. Tennessee Volunteers = Senator John Edwards
A charming Southerner who was a real contender back in the day. And a total trainwreck since 2008.
18. Texas Longhorns = Presidential Candidate Donald Trump
Holy insufferable ego, Batman! They’re flush with cash, and if you don’t already know how magnificent they are, they’ll buy a billion dollars worth of air time to remind you.
19. USC Trojans = Governator Arnold Schwarzeneggar
A Terminator-esque killing machine for years, hunting down BCS opponents like Sarah Connor. Like Arnold, recent scandals have knocked this beacon of ‘California cool’ down a couple pegs, but they’ll be back.
20. West Virginia Mountaineers = Governor Howard Dean
There’s crazy, and then there’s CRAZY. In Morgantown, they wave dead roadkill at opposing fans and players, with an armed mountain man as their mascot. We’re going to the 20, the 10, the 5…YEAAAAHHH!!!!!!