1.
[on deathbed] "Tell my Wif... *cough*" Yes? Tell her what? "Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best" [dies]
2.
Teen girl in mirror "I look like death!" [Meanwhile in Hell] Death scoffs & flips his hair "Yeah, as if"
3.
4.
*deathbed* All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family* getting down to this... sick... beat *dies* *widow rolls eyes*
5.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies] "Oh peas no!" [WHAP] "Why u bean like this?" [SMACK] "Don't u carrot all?" [CRACK]
6.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
7.
8.
"Yeah can I have a triple bacon cheeseburger..." *sees Grim Reaper in passenger seat* *sigh* "and can you put lettuce and tomato on that?"
9.
*gets to hell* [In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
10.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed] Bruce: Viagra! Dr: Bruce this isn't the time- Bruce: Give me...a Viagra! Dr: Ok *Bruce Dies...Hard*
11.
12.
Whoa I'm floating! Am I...dead? "No it's a dream" What a relief! Wait. Who said that? Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit Uh nobody go back to sleep
13.
Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
14.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I'm not going.
15.
16.
[at funeral] My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say- *casket is lowered into the ground* -he was down to earth.
17.
*pops out of casket at funeral* ok but when I actually die you guys better have nicer things to say
18.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
19.
