1. Mad Men Party
For a fun and unique party game, let the kids show off their bartending chops by playing a round of “Who can make Dad the best cocktail?” Then, have them sit in a circle for a game of “Whose parents have disappointed them the most?” Reward the winner with a gift certificate for five therapy sessions.
Instead of regular old birthday cake, serve up slices of Oh, That’s Today? cake, made from a partially frozen loaf of Sarah Lee pound cake. As a party favor, hand out candy cigarettes and fun-sized packets of Advil so the kids can nurse their Shirley Temple hangovers the next day.
2. Reddit Party
Section off areas of your backyard into r/food, r/crafts, and r/games to keep things organized. Have the kids play “Ask Me Anything,” an updated version of Truth or Dare. Take a spin on the traditional Red Light, Green Light, by playing Downvote, Upvote.
Serve cookies shaped like the signature Reddit alien. If any of the children misbehave, place them in the “Forever Alone” corner.
3. Paleo Party
Play “Pin The Tail On The Free Range Cow That’s About To Be Dinner” with the kids. If you live near a freshwater stream, have them spear fish some salmon. While dinner’s on the grill, the kids can participate in a mini triathlon, with the finish line at your nearest Crossfit gym. There, they can play musical medicine balls.
Forgo traditional cake and serve up a wholesome vegetable loaf. Add a festive touch with decorative bunting outfitted with the *real* food pyramid.
4. LinkedIn Party
Rather than sending paper invitations, invite the kids to connect via email. Give all of the children masks to wear of the most flattering, yet professional photos of themselves from the shoulders up.
Put a spin on the classic “Duck, Duck, Goose” by playing “Marketing, Marketing, Blogging” to simulate LinkedIn’s endorsement feature. To stop the kids from falling asleep from pure boredom and dissatisfaction with their fake, but monotonous careers, serve up a delicious Mediocre-Office-Brewed-Coffee Cake.
5. Bling Ring Party
Have guests find the address to the party by googling “your name address.” The first result should lead them to the right place. Encourage the children to dress up as their favorite young, troubled celebrity.
As kids arrive, hand out complimentary doses of Adderall. For a fun and easy upcycled craft, have the kids create visual boards of people who are demonstrating good character, like Angelina Jolie, using old tabloid magazines.
Have the kids play a relay race in an adult-sized pair of hot pink patent leather pumps. Let them roam free and check to see if the neighbor’s car doors are open. The child who acquires the most cash and credit cards wins. Instead of cake, serve $6 blended iced coffee drinks. Don’t tell them where the party favors are, but rather let them ransack your house until they’re found.