• 1. KEY LIME PIE

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Nothing makes Key Lime Pie taste better, because it is ass pie, the unholy spawn of lime flavoring, mucous and Styrofoam. A slice of coagulated chum cake would be
    preferable.

  • 2. TAPIOCA PUDDING

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Grandma improves a nice cup of tapioca pudding because she’ll actually slurp up a viscous gruel that tastes like it’s full of tiny insect larvae. Grandma! Why did you hide
    your dentures inside your body?

  • 3. CANCER

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Bacon possesses no healing properties whatsoever. The only thing that makes cancer better is not having it. Short of that, chemotherapy and marijuana can help.

  • 4. MIDDLE EAST PEACE

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: A nuanced, multilateral diplomatic strategy committed to the peaceful resolution of all geopolitical grievances, backed by strong military resolve. Also: bacon is neither kosher nor halal.

  • 5. UNEMPLOYMENT

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Pretty much, only a job can make improve this situation. Bacon would only serve to remind the laid-off that they can’t even afford bacon, eating cat food and dreams deferred instead.

  • 6. SCOTCH

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: We saw bacon-infused vodka once, which is as pointless and unappetizing as infusing Swiss cheese with a shoe. Scotch does not need anything to make it better, save for maybe a cigar or a monocle.

  • 7. HER LADYZONE

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Her ladyzone is a special place of unspeakable pleasure, and the only thing that makes it better is a prized invitation to worship it. With a penis.

  • 8. THE COLD, LIFELESS VACUUM OF SPACE

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Space is an infinite, sucking void that will pull all of your moisture out of every pore of your skin while simultaneously suffocating you. Like that one ex-girlfriend. (Hey. Oh.) An atmosphere makes it so much more pleasant.

  • 9. FRIED CHICKEN SKINS

    WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Fried chicken skin might well be the greatest, tastiest foodstuff ever. It actually makes everything better, including loneliness.