1. KEY LIME PIE
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Nothing makes Key Lime Pie taste better, because it is ass pie, the unholy spawn of lime flavoring, mucous and Styrofoam. A slice of coagulated chum cake would be
2. TAPIOCA PUDDING
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Grandma improves a nice cup of tapioca pudding because she’ll actually slurp up a viscous gruel that tastes like it’s full of tiny insect larvae. Grandma! Why did you hide
your dentures inside your body?
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Bacon possesses no healing properties whatsoever. The only thing that makes cancer better is not having it. Short of that, chemotherapy and marijuana can help.
4. MIDDLE EAST PEACE
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: A nuanced, multilateral diplomatic strategy committed to the peaceful resolution of all geopolitical grievances, backed by strong military resolve. Also: bacon is neither kosher nor halal.
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Pretty much, only a job can make improve this situation. Bacon would only serve to remind the laid-off that they can’t even afford bacon, eating cat food and dreams deferred instead.
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: We saw bacon-infused vodka once, which is as pointless and unappetizing as infusing Swiss cheese with a shoe. Scotch does not need anything to make it better, save for maybe a cigar or a monocle.
7. HER LADYZONE
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Her ladyzone is a special place of unspeakable pleasure, and the only thing that makes it better is a prized invitation to worship it. With a penis.
8. THE COLD, LIFELESS VACUUM OF SPACE
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Space is an infinite, sucking void that will pull all of your moisture out of every pore of your skin while simultaneously suffocating you. Like that one ex-girlfriend. (Hey. Oh.) An atmosphere makes it so much more pleasant.
9. FRIED CHICKEN SKINS
WHAT ACTUALLY MAKES IT BETTER: Fried chicken skin might well be the greatest, tastiest foodstuff ever. It actually makes everything better, including loneliness.