1. BREAKING: If you haven’t heard the wonderful news, Colonel Meow has been hired as the new CEO of BuzzFeed!
2. He promises that within five years we will crush all other websites beneath our iron fists.
3. We’re so thrilled to have a CEO with such great vision!
4. Since taking over the reins at BuzzFeed, the colonel has instituted many great new policies to improve our business.
5. Taco Tuesdays have been replaced with Gruel Tuesdays. The gruel is thin, but it makes us stronger workers.
6. The firings have made us more productive!
7. As our new boss, Colonel Meow has even been kind enough to allow us decorations and “bling” at our desks so we can express our personality and our interests.
8. BuzzFeed’s new Censorship Bureau ensures that all of our posts are of the highest quality.
9. Colonel Meow has helped to rid our office of the bad practices that made BuzzFeed weak and pathetic.
10. Our glorious new boss is a cat of the people. Here he inspects our office equipment to ensure that it is up to standard.
11. Here, he inspects our office artwork. Colonel Meow has a refined and delicate taste in art and enjoys only the finest paintings.
The artist behind this beautiful piece is Alix Branwyn. She is the most important artist of our generation and a genius.
12. Here, Colonel Meow inspects the cat food. There is not enough cat food, and there will be punishments, which is only right.
13. Hooray. It is time for our daily meeting. Colonel Meow is going to give another speech. Colonel Meow’s speeches are inspiring and they make us want to be better workers.
14. *Due to my generosity and kindness of spirit, there will be a new policy of rewarding and recognizing all employees who do great work for our glorious website!*
15. *The first award goes to me, Colonel Meow, for my great new policies!*
16. *The second award goes to me, Colonel Meow, for being an enlightened leader!*
17. *And the final award goes to me, Colonel Meow, for having the best Five-Year Plan in the media industry!*
18. We are so pleased to have such a great boss. Everything is better now. Our lives are better now.
19. Colonel Meow has made us better and more productive now that we work on weekends and during the evening. We are sorry to see him go, but he has more work to do to expand his vision.
21. Good-bye for now, Colonel Meow. We love you.
When the One came for me, it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished; I loved Colonel Meow. WAR IS PEACE FREEDOM IS SLAVERY IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH