In a recent public appearance, Pope Francis consoled a young boy whose dog had died by telling him that "paradise is open to all God's creatures."
This major new decree has dramatic and wide-reaching ramifications. These are but a few.
1. This lazy, slothful puppy will no longer suffer eternal torment.
2. This wicked Christmas-hater will, at the last, be welcomed into the arms of angels.
3. This vile disregarder of the rules of dinnertime will be shrived of his sins and given absolution.
4. This shiftless, backsliding sluggard will never experience the relentless inferno of hell.
5. This unappreciative solipsist will experience the endless joy of salvation.
6. This apostate rulebreaker will be reconciled with the light.
7. This side-eyeing dissenter will be welcomed with open arms into the Pearly Gates.
8. This lascivious slattern will be purged of her sins and made whole again.
9. Those who worship false teacups will see the error of their ways and find anew the path of righteousness.
10. The indolent will work with joyful abandon in the eternal office parks of Paradise.
11. The hedonists will find that true happiness abides in the light of Elysium.
12. The gluttons will learn that true sustenance can only be found in the celestial realm.
13. And those with violence in their hearts will embrace the eternal peace of The Empyrean.
14. Meanwhile, this abject sinner will find eternal happiness in the firmament.
15. And this corn-worshipping miscreant will spend the afterlife in peace and bliss.
16. These unchaste hussies will find love that is eternal, not carnal.
17. And this exhibitionist will see the greatest show of all – the rapture of the hereafter.
18. Even this bunny-obsessed reprobate will be saved.
19. This Santa-impersonating villain will be forgiven.
20. And this malodious glutton will reform and mend his ways.
21. Even this cat, who is cruel to his employees and obsessed merely with the earthly benefits of Mammon, will find eternal bliss.
22. Even this hardened criminal will revel in the glory of the everafter.
23. This work-shy underachiever will achieve enduring joy ...
24. These lecherous deviants will bathe in the light of blessedness ...
25. And this perfectly nice piglet who's never done a thing wrong in her life will get what she justly deserves.
