4 Tips For Surviving Your “Time” in the Middle East
Hammer Time.
Adventure Time.
Closing time.
Time of the month.
Time to get Freak-ayyy!!!
TIME.
If you live in the West chances are you love you some time. You schedule it. Manage it. Lose it. Spend it. Buy it. Waste it. You name it. Time is…your Time Lord.
But what if you climbed out of your cozy Western hovel and got your butt to the Middle East? What then? Do you just expect everything to be the same? Do you? Pffffttt. It's not all camels, sand, and shisha you know! Put away your damn day timer because you're in for bumpy magic carpet ride.
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Let us take for example, the fine institution of the weekend.
And good ol' Saturday and Sunday, providing the hard working nine-to fivers a respite from the rat race of our lives.
Except everything you know about the weekend is A LIE!!!
It's FRIDAY and SATURDAY in much of the Middle East!
Wait...Whaaaaaa?????
Unbefrickenlieveable.
Okay, you need a minute to process that. I understand. Take some tiiiiimmmme to think about allll the Middle Eastern Rebecca Blacks and Katy Perrys that have to try to rhyme things with "Thursday"!
Think about that awesome 80s sensation The Bangle's having to rewrite lyrics, making their hit single the decidedly less catchy, "It's Just Another Manic Sunday"!!! It just doesn't have the same ring, does it? 
Look at the restaurant chain, TGI Fridays… which is actually in the Middle East and didn't even change its name to TAI Thursdays - "Thank Allah It's Thursdays," totally losing out on an epic and very lucrative business opportunity.
But let's get serious here for a second. Let's get seriously hypothetical.
Imagine you're the kind of person who likes to meet deadlines, make and keep appointments, and has felt the intense shame of being the last to arrive to a group. You know what I'm talking about.
Imagine the kind of person who, if not exceedingly early, might as well be late. The same kind of person who then moves to the Middle East and promptly develops a unique kind of eye twitch that directly corresponds to the high blood pressure that comes with living in a different time culture where people generally couldn't give a flying frack about your schedule.
Are you doing it? Are you imagining? What does your twitch look like? Is it a full body convulsion or is it just over one eye that people mistake for a creepy wink? 
Nice.
If this hypothetical Middle Eastern version of you is too much to handle, I've got some advice. Because let's face it, Arabia is a pretty damn fine place to find yourself, and you don't want to end up in a desert prison because you lost your cool over the clock.
#1 "Dig a Little Deeper"
First off, I know it sounds "dreadfully cliché Frederick," but try to comprehend why people do the things they do. It's way too easy to become frustrated when the reasoning behind cultural habits is not understood.
Why is the little family-run shop closed at 2pm when the sign says it's open from noon to four?
Well, perhaps there was a death in the family. Religious customs dictate that there is only a short window of time for the body to be washed and buried. For someone to not be present during this time could be considered super disrespectful.
Why have you been waiting for like, EVER, to meet your friend for coffee? 
Perhaps she had an unexpected visit from her grandmother, or was waiting to pray before she left. Everyone's schedule is connected to everyone else's schedule and cutting short a previous engagement might not be possible depending on who is involved or the time of day. Respect must be carefully navigated through familial, societal and cultural norms.
#2 "Take that 'Assalamu alaikum' super freaking seriously!"
The standard greeting over here is "assalamu alaikum," or in English, "peace be upon you". Think about that for a minute. Then think about it some more. Then act on it.
If you believe you have loads of patience already because you grew up with younger siblings who played the "I'm not touching you" game while keeping their finger mere millimeters away from your face…I'm sorry. You're wrong. Yup. Calm down though because even your hippy brother-in-law who lives in a field would have his tolerance tested.
Paperwork won't happen here immediately and appointments are often suggestions, so let go of your Western expectations and give yourself extra time to do what you need to do. Sticking rigidly to a schedule that has no flexibility and no cushion will only make you feel angry and frustrated, two emotions that people don't show in public very often in this area of the world. Displaying anger will often get you nothing but odd looks from passersby and will solve very little.
Seriously, dude?
Simmer down. Simmer down now. 
#3 "Well in MY country, we don't do it THAT way."
Oh My Freaking God. Do not say this. I repeat. Do Not Say This. Abort!!! Abort!!!!
Ummm….Ethnocentric much?
Trrrrrrry not to impose your cultural expectations on another culture. Take the time to listen and understand the place you're in and the people around you. Go with the flow and don't take it personally when the AC repairman leaves mid-way through his job to go pick up his father from the airport and then comes back and eats his MacDonald's on your kitchen table.
What is offensive to you might not be considered offensive to others and vice versa. Remember that just because something is not done your way, doesn't mean it's the wrong way, it just means it's different. There are benefits and drawbacks to both time cultures. Don't let an ethnocentric attitude blind you to all the advantages of life in a new place. Respect those around you travelling at a different speed. You can decide to either fight time, or embrace the lifestyle and adapt.
Guess which one you should choose?
# 4 "Embrace the Chaos"
Above all, enjoy the freedom that comes with not being bound to the clock. Use the opportunity you've been given To Chill. The Eff. Out. 
Read a book, sign up for a course, have a guiltless nap, or take up a hobby and find the spontaneity in life. Appreciate the shops being open until midnight or later and enjoy the hustle and bustle of family outings in the evenings. Foster relationships with people and see that Middle Eastern, world-renowned hospitality and helpfulness at work.
So if you're planning a vacation (which you should totally do, it's beautiful here)....
...or you're thinking of relocating for a job, take into consideration the background of the culture and these time tips to help you adapt more easily. 
Because it's really, really awesome over here. The sun. The sand. The people! Life is grand! 
Come on over! I'll be waiting for you at the airport when your flight comes in.
Or not.
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