Everyone, come quick! Bradley Cooper’s nominated for Best Actor at the 2013 Oscar Awards and he actually has a shot in hell of winning it! Bring the popcorn and whiskey, because we’ve got ourselves a show!
Oh, wait, he was in a whole bunch of roles before the nom, right? Yeah, let’s take a look at some of those and judge if they deserve an Oscar, too.
Premise: Remember him? After Carrie’s hungover face ends up on the cover of New York magazine, she needs a pick-me-up and turns to a random guy at a bar for solace. Bradley is that random guy. Except he blows his shot of sleeping with her when he picks up a copy of the magazine and reminds her of the photo flop. What a dumb-dumb.
Why it’s questionable: Dat hair is amazing, obviously, but that’s about it.
How Oscar worthy is this role?: Carrie is not impressed, and neither are we.
2. His reality TV debut as a “trekker” on a nudist beach in “Treks in a Wild World”
Premise: It’s a less fun version of Wild On… with Brooke Burke, except hosted by Bradley Cooper.
Why it’s questionable: He’s fully clothed at a nudist colony. What a wet blanket, are we right?!
How Oscar worthy is this role?: If you wanna win, you betta show some skin! We and the Oscar judges have needs. Sorry, we’re not sorry.
3. As some shirtless character named Gary who feeds Alicia Silverstone on the 2003 TV series, “Miss Match”
Premise: Does it matter? He’s shirtless and feeding Alicia Silverstone.
Why it’s questionable: Actually, we’re pretty okay with this one.
How Oscar worthy is this role?: He’s shirtless, so, very. It’s very award-winning.
4. As Todd in the 2004 TV movie, “I Want to Marry Ryan Banks”
Premise: Brad plays Todd, the manager of Ryan Banks (aka Jason Priestly), a celeb who decides to clean up his image by posing as the bachelor on a dating show…(sound familiar, The Bachelor fans?!). But, as luck would have it, Todd falls for the lady that Ryan’s meant to propose to.
Why it’s questionable: Jason Priestly stars in this, but it’s not 90210. That’s a problem.
How Oscar worthy is this role?: :(
Premise: A failed drummer was kicked out of an ’80s hair band called Vesuvius, but is given a second chance at rock star glory. As you might be able to tell from the photo, Brad plays a member of that ’80s hair band.
Why it’s questionable: We’ve seen cover bands with more swag than Brad. (If you’re gonna go ’80s, then we want more eyeliner.)
How Oscar worthy is this role?: He couldn’t get into a half-off ’80s night with that getup, let alone the Oscars.
6. As Leon in the 2008 horror film, “The Midnight Meat Train”
Premise: Sometimes, movie titles are pretty literal. Enter: The Midnight Meat Train. Where Brad plays Leon, a photographer who attempts to hunt down a serial killer who likes to murder on the subway…because, why not.
Why it’s questionable: Horror films are a dish best served without Cooper.
How Oscar worthy is this role?: We’ll just say this: no.
7. As Aidan Stone on “Nip/Tuck”
Premise: On the TV series Nip/Tuck, Bradley was a star, playing a TV star on TV. So meta.
Why it’s questionable: See gif above.
How Oscar worthy is this role?: See gif above.
Premise: Renee Zellweger is a social worker, and her psychiatrist/BFF is Brad. All should be well in social worker land, except that when Renee tries to save a girl from her abusive parents, weird things start to happen. Like Brad’s back being covered in bees, for example.
Why it’s questionable: Can we cite the fact that he dated Renee after this movie?
How Oscar worthy is this role?: If he’s allergic to bees, it’s very worthy. Not allergic? Forget it.
9. As Templeton “Faceman” Peck in “The A-Team”
Premise: The U.S. military is all in a tizzy because they think Brad and his gang of merry men have committed a crime. But they were framed, see, that’s the thing, so they’ve got to work hard to clear their names, or whatever.
Why it’s questionable: Liam Neeson stars as a man named Hannibal, and Brad’s character name is Face. That’s all you need to know.
How Oscar worthy is this role?: If Brad’s face gets eaten off by Hannibal, then very.
Premise: Dax Shepard is a former bank robber with a new identity from witness protection, but that all changes when his old gang—including Bradley—come knocking.
Why it’s questionable: Tom Arnold plays a large role in the film, Bradley has dreadlocks, and his character’s quest for revenge is based off of this stunning line: “I got [bleeped] in prison.”
How Oscar worthy is this role?: Do they give Oscars for bad weaves?