Why No One Should Mess With The Ocean

Stick to pools.

1. First of all, the ocean is deep as fuck.

So deep, we’re actually not sure how deep it is, which is terrifying to think about.

Edited image via Emily Chack.

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2. What we do know is that the pressure is so intense, no human* could make it even a quarter of the way down without THIS happening to his or her body:

*Unless you’re James Cameron and you can afford to build a pressure-resistant robot to take you to the bottom of the ocean.

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3. This is what most of the ocean looks like:

Pitch-frickin’-black. If you’re afraid of the dark, I don’t recommend going to the bottom of the ocean.

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4. It’s probably better that it’s dark down there because THIS is the kind of shit you’d see:

Fangtooth Fish


Giant Squid


Deepsea Hatchet Fish



It’s a mix of hell and outer space.

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5. I mean, there are ROLY-POLIES the size of your HEAD.


I heard they eat souls.

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6. And SEA SPIDERS you’d need a bed sheet to squish!

Which proves there’s nowhere to hide from spiders.

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7. And SEA WORMS big enough to use as jump ropes!

Slimy, slimy jump ropes.

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8. And whatever the hell THIS is:

It’s called a frill shark. They should have called it Satan.

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9. Scientists estimate that up to 80% of all living things live in the ocean.

So think of every animal you’ve ever seen on land and multiply that by, like, a billion.*

*(Math may not be accurate).


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10. Since there is no sunlight at the very bottom of the ocean, there are no plants. So nearly everything down there preys on FLESH.


Here are starfish ravaging a whale carcass. Remember when starfish were cute? Me neither.

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11. Every freakfish in the deep sea is just swimming around, chomping on anything it can find.


This is a goblin shark and it lives in the pitch-black waters of your nightmares.

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12. What I’m getting at is this: Nearly everything has teeth.


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13. It’s a frickin’ hellscape down there. There are vents of boiling-hot sulfuric acid that would take your face clean off your skull.

And creepy little organisms live in those vents! Because ocean critters don’t give a fuck about anything!

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14. It literally snows shit.

Just a constant steady flurry of fecal matter, organic material, and bacteria.

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15. And there are little to no standards of reality. For example, this is a barreleye:

And those tennis balls of goop you see through its transparent head are its EYES. (The black dots are nostrils; Lord have mercy).

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16. The worst part is we’ve only explored less than 5% of the ocean.

We have better maps of Mars than of the ocean floor.


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17. So basically, we don’t even know what the fuck is down there.

Which is why NO ONE should fuck with the ocean.

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