10. Kazooie in Banjo-Kazooie
If you weren’t able to fly us around once in awhile, I would have seriously left your ass on top of Spiral Mountain.
Punch-o-meter: A quick sucker punch to the beak so she’ll stop squawking.
9. Toads in Paper Mario
Go talk to the toad in Toad Town, they said. It’ll be easy, they said.
Punch-o-meter: Punch them just hard enough to leave a different mark on each toad’s face so you can finally tell them apart.
8. Baby Mario in Mario Golf
Why do you exist? But more importantly, how do you exist? You’re a younger version of Mario and he’s in this game too.
Punch-o-meter: A metaphorical punch, because punching babies is wrong.
7. Kirby in Super Smash Bros
Are you seriously going to eat me, steal my moves, and then float away like nothing happened?
Punch-o-meter: A falcon-punch to the mouth, so he’ll never do that annoying “Hiii” taunt again.
6. Waluigi in Mario Tennis
You think with those long, gangly limbs you might be able to reach the frickin’ ball.
Punch-o-meter: A punch hard enough to wipe off that stupid mustache.
5. Tingle in Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
Maybe because you’re pissing everyone off with your constant “kooloo-limpas,” Tingle.
Punch-o-meter: A punch so hard his grandparents will tingle. Kooloo-limpas, motherfucker!
4. Princess Peach in MarioKart 64
“Peachy’s got it?” Really? The only thing Peachy’s gonna get is a red shell to the dome.
Punch-o-meter: Punch the shit out of her go-kart so she can’t compete.
3. Natalya in Goldeneye
Your only job is to not die and yet you keep walking directly in front of my gun when I’m trying to protect you.
Punch-o-meter: A punch that knocks her unconscious because it would be easier dragging around her dead-weight body then having her walk on her own dumb legs.
2. Navi in Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
Listen, Navi, I know you’re just trying to help but your constant nagging is putting a huge buzzkill on this whole “adventure” thing. Let me live, goddamn!
Punch-o-meter: Punch her right out of the Kingdom of Hyrule.
1. Slippy Toad in Star Fox 64
Slippy, if you ask me to get those guys off your back one more time I’m going to do a barrel roll straight out of this game.
Punch-o-meter: A punch that sends him clear out of the Andross galaxy. Seriously, we’d be better off without him.
- Dylann Roof pleaded not guilty to federal hate crime charges in the Charleston church massacre.